Well since I have gotten quite a bit done today, I will eschew my google reader for a little longer and instead catch up on my blogging before I get to ORGANIZE MY BATHROOM SHELVES.

Woo... yeah. WOO!

That is actually a very good example of the frightening turn of events in my marriage. You see, Mr. Darcy and I tied the knot, whisked away to NYC before jaunting down to Me-hi-co. And let me tell you- married life was phenomenal. Little did I know beforehand that being married means getting up when you want and lazily trekking over to the breakfast buffet and grabbing some tasty papa munchers (tater tots magically infused with just a little bit of cheese) before deciding which pool to sit out by that day. You started drinking around noon and got some snacks from the snack hut and watched some entertainment when you felt like taking a moment from the latest book you were reading and splish splash in the pool at will.

Cards were usually playing in the early afternoon before you retired to the room to watch a movie from the jacuzzi or take a late siesta to prepare yourself for the evening. Then there was the difficult decision of what free restaurant to frequent that night. There were shows or bars or pool tables or giant chess sets for drunken chess in the evening before heading in for the evening. Maybe you'd do the same thing the next day or maybe you'd go see ruins or go snorkling who knew? It was all an adventure. There were lizards to prove it. And I nearly convinced myself I spoke fluent spanish. All was well.

Then... something happened. Food at paradise wasn't as wonderful the 13th day in a row and my lips swelled up worse than Barbara Hershey after some bad collagen. And I swear I didn't take anything from the damn snake at Tulum- i just ran away from it and put my sneakers back on. No apples offered and/or accepted.

Then something worse happened. They made us leave. All of a sudden we were in the customs line at JFK and people were still speaking spanish despite we were in the U.S. line except this spanish was not from nice smiling papa muncher providing people but ugly UGLY mean people.

Then we realize Mr. Darcy has lost his cell phone which is endlessly annoying then there was more moving and living in a basement for a spell then more moving and a tense night where we thought the couch wouldn't make it in the apartment then taking off doors then 4 trips to the FUCKING REGISTRY OF MOTOR VEHICLES due to the NATIONAL DRIVE REGISTRY being down. YES. The computer system that links ALL 50 STATES. DOWN. NOT WORKING. On multiple trips. Be afraid. Very afraid. Then one DMV/RMV wouldn't accept an auto insurance bill only an electric or cable bill and something from social security with my new address wasn't acceptable either (despite my feelings that social security is higher up than the f-ing DMV in the hierarchy of things but WHATEVER) and she's telling me this after i spent an hour trying to find the place that was in a mall of all places and didn't have a sign in front only a mention in an "additional parking" sign and there it played second fiddle on the list to an Old Country Buffet and i wait an hour in this hell hole and all of a sudden my paperwork isn't good enough and i'm thinking about burning the whole place to the ground but the Carrie action isn't working so i settle for SCREAMING and crying on the phone to Mr. Darcy on the way out. And the "check engine" light was on AGAIN. And there are one way streets everywhere. But the last two in general- not at the crappy DMV/RMV.

And at this point this is the 4th day we'd been sleeping on the hard wood floor and THERE IS NO DRINK OF THE DAY IN SIGHT. Quite troublesome.

So now i finally have a license and car insurance and city parking sticker and whatnot but i have to do things like grocery shopping and PAY FOR FOOD AND ALCOHOL and i'm kind of excited about organizing my bathroom shelves with my coolio pull out shelves from the Container Store but- honestly- still no drink of the day.

BUT we did FINALLY get a bed and the various ailments have been cured/caused/then cured again by dried cranberries, name brand (can't remember which one) fever blister lip stuff, danon activia, tums, advil, excedrin, pepto bismol, more tums, and midol over the last 2 weeks so that is good.

So that is that.

I must take JUST A SMIDGE of time to address Scarlett.

Dear Scarlett,

I thank you greatly for your shower presents. I am quite thankfully I was drinking when I read the first of your two books, being the short stories. I think the alcohol helped my brain absorb a little better. Let it be known that I read the whole book on a day where Mr. Darcy and I had visited another MUCH SMALLER resort to attempt to get beach time and it rained all day so we sat in chairs in the corner of the nicely decorated lobby and read and drank all day. I read the first story about the 10 men and stopped and exclaimed to Mr. Darcy "HOLY FUCK THIS IS SOME MESSED UP SHIT". I must admit I was slightly frightened it would be another "She's come undone" experience and you'd be blacklisted forever from recommending books to me but thankfully that is not the case. They were indeed very odd but didn't leave a bad aftertaste.

I cannot fully comment on the second book since I'm only 2/3s through but I have already failed once due to a poor encounter with gyspies and have unfortunately missed cool Sense and Sensibility and Emma side stories so I've held my place and are checking those out (not tracking points) but checking them out. Currently this is where I stand:

Failures: resentful; love of walking; no style, taste or beauty; inadequate knowledge of embroidery; incredibly nosy; blind partiality; willful prejudice; poor timed liveliness; ill-timed sense of humor; unhappily small portion; no real friends; unfortunate penchant for penniless men; no governess; all 5 sisters out at once; breathtakingly poor judge of character; blind, partial, prejudiced, and absurd; and lack of influence.

I read those to Mr. Darcy and I'm fairly sure he now believes me to be totally insane but he did remark that it was quite accurate in some parts.

Accomplishments: knowledge of boulanger; highly observant; reasonable piano playing skills; and once spent a day at Weston-super mare.

Intelligence: 450

Confidence: 330

Fortune: 80. Which is a very good since i was negative for a spell there.

That is the updates on those.

Adieu,
TFMD


Now to the bathroom to organize!