Friday, June 15, 2007

A reply to Mrs. Kramer,

Damn it. You cannot IM while I'm writing to you. Spoils all the surprise. Secondly, in regards to squirrel sex (the American Sign Language signs, not the actual copulating of squirrel which, myself, Clem and the rest of the free world are against)

Mr. Darcy and I attended a school that is also like the #2 deaf school in the known universe after the one around here who's name I'm blanking out on. Mr. Darcy was fairly good at signing basic things but I never got beyond asking "What's the sign for who, what, when, where, why and how again?" every single week at our free class. Therefore like any good student I gave up on conversation and concentration on words like "sorry" which I now unconsciously do when I say sorry:

And slowly:

And general finger spelling. Oh and swear words. Now, there are a lot of difficult things about ASL like they don't use pronouns and you can't directly translate sentences blah blah blah but mostly that swear words are close to the nice words they come from. Like bitch and mother are a slight hand gesture away as are bastard and father. Things like "fuck you" are universal though so don't really require signs are far as I know. Mr. Darcy may read this and shed light on the topic though.

Where were we? Ahh squirrel sex. So our boss had gone to school at the same place we had and worked there for awhile so he said his favorite signs were platypus (which is place on hand on top of the other both palms facing down with fingers point away from you so the thumbs are sort of hanging off the edge of your hand sandwich and then make circles with your thumb) and squirrel sex. Squirrel is this:

"ASL Sex" I am too scared to google especially after searching for "slowly". But take the same squirrel sign and 69 your hands and there you go.

There's a lot of stories about sign language and deaf people in general that we have but it's hard to talk to outsiders about without feeling like a giant asshole. That being said at the wedding after a couple drinks take Mr. Darcy's best man aside (far away) and get him to talk about things like how deaf people can't tell how loudly they're having sex. And be prepared for Chewbacca like noises. And the problem is I'd laugh. Mr. Darcy is probably laughing now but to the rest of the world- we're horrible horrible people.

My next topic is simply if you are going by marge now I'm going to have to make it Large Marge in Charge. Because that's all I think of when I read "Marge". Just like Martha and "Martha Dumptruck" (from Heathers- which [she's so witty for someone who grew up without tv] was an account my friend from Ireland created on to see who was on there back in the day).

That's all I have for now-- WAIT HOLD THE PHONE/FINGERS ON KEYBOARD. The last point I feel obligated to clear up.... AHEM- CLEM- Large Marge in Charge seems to believe that now that you have a BF you have nothing to write about. I'm letting everyone know that that is certainly not true and will not let that be used as a cop out. The floor is your my dear.

Word to ya muthas!


Blogger Margeaux Kramer said... you think we can get Maggie from Margeaux? I most definitely do not want to be Large Marge in Charge. I already have a complex about the size of my ass, thighs and stomach so I think being called LMC would be bad.

As for deaf people having sex - I've got an even better story about blind people having sex - while listening to the Porn channel at the hotel I worked at in college - and then they accidentally hit the mute button, and couldn't get it back and called the front desk and I had to go fix it. Wrong! Just plain wrong! Not to mention, they were Large and in Charge and didn't cover up all that well. I guess since they couldn't see me they felt it wasn't something to be embarrassed about. I still shudder at the thought to this day!

11:13 AM  
Blogger Scarlett said...

Speaking of hearing people have sex I heard my 60 year old neighbor engage in an inter-generational / inter-racial simultaneous orgasm once from my bathroom.

The young buck did the "walk o'shame" the next morning which in actuality was the "elevator ride of shame" from the 12th story to the ground floor.

-Good times,

8:23 PM  

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