Friday, November 30, 2007

Horrors

Despite have way more to do in the last week than the past month or two I have been trolling the web for my next Moby Dick of fashion. Moby Dick of fashion you ponder quietly to yourself. Yes, you read right. Every several months I become obsessed with something and cannot find it anywhere despite searching high and low. Half the time I finally find one only to have store PLASTER them everywhere only a month after I have my precious conquest making it totally less cool. To prove my point previous Moby Dicks include rugby shirt in the late 90s. I finally bought an extra large children's size because it was all I could find. Three months later- enter Abercrombie. Galoshes about 6 years ago. I saw a small child with some very old school green galoshes with little eyes on them making it look like a wee froggy. Adorable. Went to every website possible but there's no giant children sizes that would fit my size 9 toboggan feet so I settled with my yellow ones only to have the whole friggin' world go galosh crazy about 3 weeks later. Fuckers. Then there is the whole jersey dress fiasco. Search for 3 summers for a nice easy to maintain summer dress. Now you can dress you and you family entirely in jersey all 4 seasons thank you American Apparel. [editor's note: American Apparel's jersey is not all that and a bag of chips despite the rage surrounding them] Now there is no glory in wanting something about 5 minutes before the rest of the world. There's no job to be had in that b/c honestly the people who get those crazy jobs know about 10 minutes before me and have capabilities like SEWING and whatnot that make having these things possible. I just whine and get frustrated. Oh and I'm not willing to spend more than $50 to get what I want so it's not like I can go "Oh I'll just buy a DVF wrap dress to satisfy my jersey dress reqs" No. Don't have an extra $350 to blow. Which brings us to now. Looking for the next cool thing and you know what I'm finding? Some hideous fucking shit. I knew it was coming down the pipeline but did we really need to delve into the horrors of the 80s so deeply. Last night Mr. Darcy and I went to a Michael Ian Black show and I saw a girl in a black and white hounds tooth cropped jacket with a white (most likely denim) mini skirt with blood red opaque tights and black knee high boots. Mr. Darcy was as aghast as I. Let me also note this chicky was no Kate Moss. I have a healthy respect for my junk in the trunk and that why I only own one mini-skirt and it's a size too big (it was $5 on a sale rack at American Eagle a year and a half ago where I was searching for layering tanks [which I found as well for $2 each] and it's a nice dark wash which I feel minimizes any negative ass and I'm 27 [not 28* as I mistakenly told Mr. Darcy {soberly} two nights ago] so i still feel it's within my rights). White miniskirts do not minimize any junk in the trunk. So I was about to share my findings of horrible clothes with Clem when I realized I should share with everyone.

Exhibit A: VS. I flipped through the stack of (no joke) 15 VS magazine that litter my parents house with my sister's dog ears and torn out page everywhere. It's xmas list time, after all. I was SHOCKED AND OUTRAGED at some things I saw. Thankfully I don't believe my sister dog earred any of these disasters.
SERIOUSLY?!!?!? SERIOUSLY VICTORIA'S SECRET?!?!?! When shit don't look good on the models I think that means something!! Firstly. Advocating a boxy jacket with a cropped top and a high wasted skirt WITH PLEATED?!?!? Has my head exploded yet?!?! HAS IT!?!?! Pleats. P-L-E-A-T-S. Ok second- AGAIN WITH THE CROPPED SHIRT HIGH PANTS?! Now. The pants I give a slight pass to. They should come with a large warning. Something like- you may look like a fat sailor in these and they will be really uncomfortable to sit in. And ruffles on knits.... wow. The last... eh. It's bad but not as other two but really is large tshirts something we want to revisit again?! When you make the model look vaguely preggers it's not a good look.



Exhibit B: Urban Outfitters. Lordy lordy lordy. The titles speak for themselves: "Lux High Waist Pleat Short", "Cheap Monday Jogging Pant". For shits and giggles here are what those titles go to:

To burn your retinas go to the "skirts" section. That little knit number is just the beginning of the insanity.

People are bothering me to actually do work today so I'll just MENTION baby doll dresses. WHY?!!?!? First of all- it's winter. Too cold for babydoll dresses. Secondly, didn't those swing tops already remind us that tenting doesn't hide anything?

Lastly a short note to J. Crew. Dear J. Crew, you have consistently great clothes and although there is nothing I specifically love in your collection I feel if you send me a large selection of your clothing I could be more informed. Kisses!! TFMD



*Not that 28 is too old to wear mini skirts. I think that 35 is a good marker that the ship has sailed except if you're Paulina Porizkova.

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