I couldn't sleep so I've spent the last 1/2 hour perusing McSweeney's. Read this, it's very funny to girls who grew up wearing padded shoulders while listening to Timmy T beg for One More Try.

New Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream

Submitted by Katie Desobry

During puberty, the other girls were starting to wear Teen Spirit. It didn't make sense. The smell of coconuts should not come out of armpits. This deodorant does not have a real-world application. It does not provide long-lasting protection from odor. When a normal, active teenage girl rubs a very strong fruit scent under her arms and goes about her activities, it is guaranteed that within hours she will begin to stink of rotten fruit. Like moldy strawberries. Like rancid coconut milk. Like assberries.

I could always pick out the girls who wore Teen Spirit Berry Blossom. I can smell them from 10 feet out. Those girls are also big huggers. They would hug me and I would almost fall over from the intense, overly fake smell of the rotting berry blossoms from the assberry vine. I always wanted to push them off and say, "You smell of assberries! Go clean yourself! This is not natural! Berries don't belong in there!"

When I opened up my bottle of Dr. Pepper's new blend of raspberry and vanilla, I was met with the smell of the underarm of a seventh-grade girl straight from gym class. I thought it was impossible to turn that smell into a soft drink, so I tasted it. I haven't ever actually tasted a teenage girl covered in Rotten Assberry Teen Spirit, but this is what I always imagined it would taste like if someone carbonated one and put her in a bottle.

For the record, I've been brand loyal to Secret since like the age of 10.
-Scarlett