Friday, February 02, 2007

For now I know that's there's a time and a place where I can choose/To walk the fine line between self-control and self-abuse


Wow, I suppose for all of you who didn't rock out to "Alcohol" by Barenaked Ladies- as only a truly insecure co-ed can do- that sounds almost frightening.


But it's not so... yeah.

Ok so many of you heard about January was an alcoholless month for me. And was even one night witnessed by Popadop and Snuff who I believe both suffered parallel mini-strokes at the mere idea. But nonetheless I persevered and learned some things along the way which brings me to...



... MY SUPER FUCKING GRAPHS!

So as you also may recall my suggestions that you should watch Demetri Martins: Person on comedy central because that is where i got this idea.

OK. First graph:



The title on this one is "amount of fun at poker, nighttimes, watching 24, watching all-comedies, weekends, watching football, concerts and (some) daytimes". This is the most obvious graph that shows that, in fact, not drinking makes most everything less fun. Well, actually it shows all of that but in positives but it's hard to portray your real mean while dealing in time, comparisons, drinking, and continuity through the rest of the graphs so LAY OFF!

My second graph: (ugh blogger, this is so not going to be fun if this is how long it takes you to load each- oh there we go)

is not surprisingly the amount of time i thought about drinking consider how things that should be fun were less so. BUT before AA and Linsday Lohan leave me rambling blackberry sent emails on my current pro-alcohol stand -note the abrupt change in the curve. That curve was last weekend. Basically what happen is I made my grand decision somewhere stuck in Delaware after New Years and then the thursday after that was finally 100% over the hangover and like "hmm is it february yet? how about now?.......how about now? ...ummm now?" And then 24 started and I was fondly remembering drinking for all my fallen homies (RIP Tony Almeda) last hour 1 and I cried a little tear. And then yada yada yada other things were less fun and i was spending a very similar amount of time on my bell curve wondering if i was an alcoholic and fretting and fretting and then-- last weekend I was in a bad mood. A fairly bad mood on scale of moods* for no apparent reason. Or rather a series of reasons that did not constitute a bad mood at all which made me in even a worse mood because there was no reason for the bad moods at all. And then it lifted. And then monday i didn't really care if i didn't have a beer after work and i didn't really care and so i count last weekend as my Trainspotting weekend and am just thankful i didn't see a baby crawling on the ceiling because that would have freaked my shit out.

Graph 3:
As you can see this graph was very interesting to plot. I am pre-disposed to saying/doing stupid things while sober (possibly off-putting suicide joke at department meeting, anyone?) with a small bit of alcohol the chances of saying/doing stupid things actually DROPS as I am aware that alcohol aids the stupidity and there is an interesting dance that occurs between my acting like Helen Mirren and acting like Britney Spears but in the end sure enough I end up blurting out - "hey did you guys just have sex!?" instead of ... whatever else I was planning on saying that time (which I think was more along the lines of "hey there you are"). Ugh. ANYWAY.

Graph 4.
This is my favorite/most likely to send me into a psychotic rage graph. You'll a) note that it remains the same whether i'm drinking or not - or at least that's what i'm trying to make it say b) that if i had my camera here it would be closely followed by a picture of my stomach which if i SWEAR TO GOD you say you see a space where a fetus would be living you get headbutted on the spot and i don't want to hear blah blah blah size of a grain of rice crap because you will be already on the ground having been headbutted. but c) i will tell you both times the "asking if pregnant occured". The first time occured the day before new years eve (new years eve eve of course) where i was AT A BAR DRINKING and pissed that no one had complemented me on my super awesome (slightly dorky) pluto shirt which Mr. Darcy, noting, my annoyedness of not being complemented said to La Sicilian "notice anything different about the future mrs. darcy" to which i sat back and put my hands on stomach to create a perfect frame for my super awesome tshirt (did i mention it was awesome?) to which she replied "are you pregnant?!" YEAH DUDE- buy me another beer then will ya?! Ugh. So time Numero Dos was at the lips of a very flaggergasted Popadop who nearly chewed her tongue out before asking to put at rest why I wasn't drinking in her head. Not "drinking in her head" as if i were a figment of the imagination like Clem's bf George "Cam" Glass but "drinking" being the "reason in her head"... whatever. It doesn't matter.

Next graph.

Nothing else is so correlary (dude - i totally swear that's a word- what gives firefox?!) as is the relationship of flossing and drinking in TFMD World. I have flossed for 31 consecutive days which is partially due to Clean Paste our kick ass new floss but mostly to the fact that I am not drinking since that's the only other thing that's changed ... besides the year and i know of no Year of the Pig Flossing Mandates, so ix-nay to that.

Ohh did i say nothing is more correlary (yeah i'm going to continue to use it) than flossing-- oh EXCEPT THIS:

Oh yeah that's right- V to the O to the M to the M to the I to the T to the T to the I to the N to the G. What led to Dry Jan in the first place. I tried to add an arrow to show you where the "chances of vomitting slim" to goes "to quick where the BLEH!" but the point is so specific that the arrow that shows it is MUCH too small for the human eye to see. Even the whale eye could not see it [yes, that was shout out to you, Mr Darcy].

So in conclusion- HOW CAN IT ONLY BE 2:15??? HONESTLY- THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FRICKIN' SNOW DAY PEOPLE, NOT THE LONGEST DAY IN CREATION!!- no that's wasn't it.

I'll leave you with the favorite phrase that I said to Mr. Darcy's Best Man once that he reminds me of every time I see him:

Mommy drinks because you cry.



*scale of moods graph not included

4 Comments:

Blogger snuffaluffacis said...

wicked blog

7:17 PM  
Blogger Margeaux Kramer said...

Um, I've been asked two maybe three times if I'm pregnant. Um, NO bitch I'm not. I'm pudgy with a not so flat stomach. You wanna go?! Pregnant or not I'll kick your ass if you ever ask me that again!!!!

I might still be a little bitter.

11:10 PM  
Blogger Scarlett said...

I just got home from stocking shelves of over-priced scented candles to support Kirsty Ally's Scientology tithing. The first thing Rhett said was "OMG - you've got to read The Future Mrs. Darcy's blog!"

Kudos, my dear! Kudos!

Scarlett

11:31 PM  
Blogger the future mrs. darcy said...

Actuallllly I spent quite a bit of extra time triple checking my graphs specifically with Rhett sharp eye in mind.

I am now glad that i did.

7:01 PM  

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