Monday, February 12, 2007

Soooo OJ and La Sicilian came down for a visit this weekend which was a lot of fun. We saw pandas and monuments and had beer and 5 guys and beer AT 5 guys and horseradish dip and more beer and pancakes and all was well.

But our big night out plans did not QUITE go as I had imagined. This show how I do my drinking directly after work and am not aware of many of the "issues" involved with going out at 10 on a Saturday night. Our first stop was Brickskeller where I wanted Chocolate Stout. Unfortunately you are not allowed to congregate around the bar and need a table WHICH they had a half an hour waiting list for. SO. No problem we'll head off to stop #2 and check that out. Back through dupont circle to 18th street lounge which, as you know, has no sign outside which makes you super cool for knowing about it. Apparently super cool cost 10 bucks to get in. Ummm no. So I gander across the street- OH. Lucky bar. I went there once- didn't seem to bad. Let it be known that I went there at like 11 am. There is a difference between a bar at 11 am and 11 pm. Hm- who knew? So we go in- no cover no line- FABULOUS. We get some drinks- it's not overbearingly crowded- get a wee two person table we cram the three of us into- AMAZING!

I need to stop myself now and go get some calming tea because when I tell this story I get so angry I start to stutter. Hold please.

Ok. I've made a diagram to help explain.

Soo somehow worse than eating your own poo but not so bad as being torn apart by Harpies. [side note: I recommend looking up Dante's rings of hell on wikipedia it's interesting:] Anyway we start with Asshole #1. Asshole #1 could also be called Big Gay Al. He was big and gay and dancing how I could only assume David Hasslehoff would. Lots of ass gyration. Unfortunately for everyone involved the ass gyration was happening a mere 2 inches from La Sicilians head. I was ready to let it go- she was not. And moved him. So he turns around and is half sincerely like "I'm sorry" THEN seeing annoyance on all of our faces touches each of us and comes in for a "I'm looking sincere but just trying to annoy you with this" "I'm sorry"s to each of us- more than once. Then goes on this whole bender about how we should be having fun and WILL NOT FUCKING GO AWAY. Finally gets distracted and leaves and our happy conversation continues.

Enter Asshole #2-#5. I cannot distinguish clearly between them all but the basic gist is that they come up we chat for a second then we're like "ok go away" then they're like "no, come on" then we're like "no really- we're taken" then they're like "no, come on" then la sicilian grabs my arm and holds up the ring and yells "NO REALLY we're all taken go the fuck away". Now at this point something totally ludicrous happen [side note: why can't ludacris spell his name correctly because now I think that THAT is the correct spell and that makes me feel ghetto] so something completely ludicrous happens: they don't go away. They stay and fight with one of us while the others try to say other horrible things to make them go away. Around #4 I start making loud, one pitch endless gutteral sounds for several minutes on end to try and make them leave. I tried to fake cry but I couldn't muster the tears. Damn.

#5 tried to give La Sicilian his business card and I started literally yelling. I'm not sure if any one of you has actually seen me raise my voice but - yeah it's usually not pretty. Let me also say that it kind of scares Mr. Darcy but what I want him and you all to know is that most of the time I'm just pretending to be to make a point. This was half that- half real anger. I tried to level with him and say "listen- she's trying to tell me something important about our other friend who is in the bathroom so you need to leave before she gets back" that didn't work. HOW COULD THAT NOT WORK?! Do I need to write it in fucking sanskrit?! So that's kind of the mood I was in when he didn't listen so I started YELLING. La Sicilian didn't like my handling of it so she is still trying to talk him into leaving. He then stop... Oh my god I'm shaking just thinking about it.. And very snottily says "NO, you know I'm really interested in psychology and I want to know why you're acting this way". Now I'm fairly certain at this point 4 out of 5 of you would have thrown a punch [I don't think any guy would have gotten to Clem for she has a wall of girls to protect her from such an onslaught not to mention a boyfriend that probably have eaten this guy]. He then babbles on about whether it's the "urgency" of wanting to talk to my friend and (I don't know why I even answered) but I said "no it's because you're a fucking asshole and we told you to leave and you didn't fucking listen to us" he then left and La Sicilian said she could fight her own battles which was not what I wanted to hear and then OJ came back and I NEVER FOUND OUT WHAT LA SICILIAN WANTED TO SAY TO ME.

Now, at this point let me say that I really enjoy going out to bar and talking to people. I have been known to leave the groups I came with to go find other people to talk to. I HAVE NEVER ENCOUNTER ASSHOLES OF THIS NATURE MUCH LESS DROVES OF THEM.

I don't know what else to say than that.
I need to walk away again.

Ok. My heart rate is down again. Let's just leave it at that.


Blogger Clementine said...

He doesn't really eat people as much as yells at them. Sometimes I am scared of him when he gives a look, nevermind when he yells at his friend. Maybe you can hire him as your bodyguard the next time you go out!

2:57 PM  

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