Wednesday, November 01, 2006

A word to trick or treaters!

I enjoyed handing out candy to the many fairies, lions, witches, ninjas, wizards, cheerleaders, princesses, skeletons, punk rockers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turles, Power Rangers, Elmo, Tiggers, ghosts, cowboys and ladybugs, however be warned, next year if you do not wear a costume instead of candy you will receive travel-sized toothpaste with a note attached explaining that candy is for costumes only, no exceptions! Now, not wanting to clean egg out brick I will do a slight of hand trick, slipping the toothpaste in the bag without the child seeing it until they dump all their candy on the floor in one pile of orgasmic sugar-high candy goodness. They will wonder who gave them the peppermint paste, who would not even splurge for the more pleasant mint gel. I hope they will read the note and learn a valuable life lesson: It's not cool to cut corners!

If I may speak directly to the middle schooler who approached my door lacking both costume and manners, who couldn't be bothered to interrupt his cell phone conversation to say the obligatory greeting "Trick or Treat" you deserved none of my gummy lifesavers, smarties, dum dums, kit kats, swedish fish or nerds. I won't say anything mean to you, for Rhett already thinks I'm a terrible person for saying that I hate Dakota Fanning. She is fooling everyone into thinking that she is a child, but in fact she is a devil spawn and soon the world will know her for what she truely is. Do not trust any child that annoyingly precocious. But I digress non-descript tween-age boy, I'm sure this is just the "big fish in the small middle school pond" syndrome. Next year, high school will knock you down a few pegs....enjoy the awkardness of riding the bus, while all the cool upper-classmen drive. Enjoy carrying 20lbs of books all day around crowded halls because you forgot your locker combination. Enjoy spending school dances leaning against the wall of the gym with other boys covered in acne watching all the pretty girls mock you with their inattention...Wow, that was cathartic.



Blogger the future mrs. darcy said...

I don't know how the boys from across the hall got all the way down to P-town for Halloween but they did. Weirder still since I saw them last night but I can only assume those are the miscreatants that last year asked "how much can i take?"

you can take only 2 pieces, a-hole, to keep up with my delusions more [cuter] children will come and because frankly- i have dressed up more than you and i deserve all of these reese pieces peanut butter cups.

perhaps this is why we had no children come this year...

12:39 PM  

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