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Dear Scarlett,

This is Clem and I need to ask your relationship advice. You are wise beyond your years and since you and Rhett have been in a deeply committed relationship for years, I trust your judgement above all others. There is this boy that I like. Let's call him FNB. I want to hook up with FNB by Wednesday of next week. How should I accomplish this? Oh, and by the way I love your witty banter and insightful criticism of music. Your taste is impeccable.

- Clementine

Dear Clem,

My taste in music IS really great! Thanks for noticing. On to the topic at hand. If you follow my tips I guarantee you'll hook up w/ FNB by Wednesday. If not, I'll eat my words and offer up my heartfelt apology for wasting your time.

Scarlett's tips for hooking up w/ a guy:

1. Wear a "guy cute" outfit. This may be a dressed up pair of jeans w/ 3" heels. Make sure your girls are on display to eliminate any confusion as to your intentions. Do not under any circumstances wear leggings under a skirt, though cute this may be, this kind of outfit is worn by girls wear to impress other girls. The look is completely lost on boys.

2. Lipgloss! Lipgloss! Lipgloss! I cannot stress this enough.

3. Before your date, spend some time glancing at ESPN.com for conversation fillers.

4. Ask him about his musical taste to determine what kind of guy you're dealing with. If he says he likes:

• Radiohead - you're dealing w/ an indie hipster who prefers intelligent flirtation...try to make clever double entendres.
  
• East Coast Hip Hop - you're dealing w/ a guy who has grown up on rap videos so he responds to more overt flirtation.
• Limp Bizkit - run, do not walk to the nearest exit. If need be, I could call you on your cell for a excuse to leave.

5. Stand in good lighting all night. Do not allow yourself to be seen under harsh florescents. Candlelight is a girl's best friend.

Good luck Clem, I wish you the best. Just remember you are smart enough, pretty enough and gosh darn it, people like you!

-Scarlett