OK we need to keep you away from the E! News and the computer- Scarlett for I wanted to be the one to tell you STL was the most dangerous city around and possibly about Reese and Ryan.

Actually what I wanted to bring up is that in the Express is had a little teaser on the front page or the first page of what I think of as "the good part" (entertainment, beauty, bloglines, etc) is "Ryan and Reese Split". Now as ludicrous* as this might sound I thought of Ryan Seacrest first and momentarily thought- "who is Ree- wait it's Ryan Seacrest I don't care." Who mentions RYAN first?!? Sure, you're in Flags of our Fathers but really, we all know your wife is bread winner in that family. Well soon to be ex-wife.

Ok well now that my bit of news has been outed I shall go in search of newer greater things.

Happy halloween!




*Is it wrong that I originally spelled that "ludacris" and had to go on dictionary.com to find out that sure enough- that's how the rapper spells it but alas not the rest of the world.

Say it ain't so Witherppe, say it ain't so!

My heart is breaking as I type these words, but it's official - Reese & Ryan have split. What chance do the rest of us have if these crazy kids can't stay together? Ryan, call me!

Happy Halloween Bitches!
Scarlett

Boys are dumb

Well it's been a while since I've contributed. And mainly because I harass you all on daily basis with the latest dramarama.

So let's just re-cap.

FNB: He never called/emailed, allowing me to with the bet with Scarlett. He is out of rotation.

Cam: We are talking more often. Not daily, but more than just when we see each other out. I saw him last Thursday, after he told me he wasn't sure if he was going out (work and leaving early the next day). When I saw him, I totally played it cool and made him approach me. He drove me home and came in for a bit. Finally kissed. Around 2:30, I decided to call it a night and he left.


So Friday was a Halloween party. And my good friend man eating whore (old roommate's sister who is an item with Twiz) was there. She came over and apologized, blah blah blah. I was like "Really I'm over it, it was forever ago. I don't care!"

Everything is back to normal. Until I get a text from Twiz at 1:30am.
"I heard (girlfriend's real name) and Cam hooked up last weekend"

I must be hallucinating. I haven't talked to Twiz since Aug after the whole incident and this is the first thing he wants to tell me??

I'm drunk, upset and extremely confused.
You can imagine the theories going through my head:
I hate her...why would she do this again to me?
He is totally lying, after all I was with Cam till 4am last Fri, and Petra was with the girl on Sat. When did this happen??

Petra holds my phone hostage so I don't do anything stupid. Good idea. I wake up at 3 to my voicemail alarm.
Cam called- just calling to say hi. Mind you, he's out of town with his boys. I waited till Sat. to text him. Haven't heard from him since.

So I haven't done anything yet with this bit of gossip/knowledge. Frankly I'm not sure what to do with it.

Cam is back in town...
Based on advice given by the Committee, I emailed him this morning with a link to pictures from Fri. All I can do now is wait.

It's going to be a long week......

Clem

What a busy weekend with all the costumes, karaoke and what not!!!

I took my role as a sorceress in this Saturday's Renaissance Fair seriously. I created a background for my character. Polgara was my name; my father was a powerful wizard and my mother was a shape-shifter who spoke to me telepathically while I was in her womb. Method acting is exhausting, let me just tell ya! I channeled Katharine Hepburn in The Lion in Winter. It was very easy to find info on sorcerers online, much of it was related to fantasy video games, like Warcraft....which I guess makes me as big of a dork as Rhett.

So, the town crier, William the Black, (like Gandolf the Grey, only taller) Merlin & me decided to have an impromptu game of Karaoke Revolution on Playstation. We dubbed it Karaoke Renaissance Revolution. This turned out to rival Karaoke Extravaganza parts 1, 2 & 3. Merlin, who in real life is known as the P-town Idol, went head to head with me on the muzak version of The Fugee's version of Killing Me Softly. I hate to admit it, but Merlin sang it with 98% accuracy, where I only sang it with 96% accuracy. I guess that's why he's the Idol and I only sing along with the tv. Poor Rhett tried his best. Sadly, during the team medley round, he was booed off of the stage, which ended his team's turn with zero points granted.

I live in a bubble and didn't realize we were to set our clocks back an hour, so all morning I was confused, but the extra hour was used advantageously at the Home Depot buying yard supplies. Growing up in apartments, and living the last 8 years in urban environments, I never had to rake & bag leaves or trim branches and I accomplished both today!! I feel like such a grown-up which translates to boring, but whatever! I was floating on a high of endorphines, brought on my hours of manual labor. I was feeling quite strong, so I ambitiously dug up a bush all by little ol' self! It's heavy as a mo fo but now it's done. Afterwards, I crashed on the couch falling into the deepest of slumbers. Finally forced to the abandon the couch for dinner, I found my muscles screaming in rebellion. I still have the side yard and the back yard....child labor may have to be employed in the future... maybe some neighbor kid could be swindled into bagging the backyard's leaves for a $1 a bag?

-Scarlett

The Aftermath

When I was in middle school and the first year of high school I remember walking out to the bus in the morning (we have a really long drive way) and in the winter I would be freezing and always wonder why I just couldn't remember how it felt to be really warm like when it was a million degrees in the summer.

While sitting on the bathroom floor for the third time and final time in the period of 12 hours sure that Mr. Darcy and his friend in the next room had heard this round- despite my clever running of the faucet- because I was hitting the bottom of the barrel so to speak of the contents of my stomach and the feriocious exits of liquids (which can be kept relatively quiet if you're willing to stick your head in the toilet at little farther) was giving way to the dreaded "no more liquid inside dry hack cough" which is much harder to disguise I thought "why don't I remember this feeling when I'm drinking?" Oh I probably should have mentioned you might want to wait to read this if you're eating. But despite that fact that I could easily go and add that to the top I won't because I am an idiot who forgets this time and time again so I'm burning the ideas into your heads to hopefully keep if from happening again.

So maybe if you see me a) drinking like a sailor on leave, b) doing shots, c) doing shots then hard alcohol then beer, d) doing all the previous with only a half of chipotle burrito and some bean and cheese dip in my stomach, or e) anything that has ever made you throw up in your life- remind me of it. Remind me that I have yet again pulling a muscle somewhere in my back from emptying the contents of my stomach. Remind me that I always feel like an asshole for wasting a perfectly good sunday shaking uncontrollably.

Oh and I'd like to thank one of you (who shall remain nameless) for telling me a certain story awhile ago... because when I half woke up at 4:30a.m. doing the pee-pee dance in bed in the pitch black and half trying to figure out where the bathroom is/half waiting for someone in a dream to get out of the bathroom when the thought crossed through my mind - I don't care where I am I'm going to go right here- I think your story flittered through my head and brought me full awake and I got up and went to the bathroom. I thank you.

I'm going to go try and eat now that the cranberry juice seems to be staying on the inside (or at least going through the pipes in the correct manner)

Never one to miss an opportunity for trash talking, let me just say:

Detroit Sucks

Reppin da Lou,
Scarlett

Being on Clem's Love Life Committee requires most of my brain power since it takes me at least 5 minutes to figure out what boy she is referring to then I need to go back and hear the story all over again THEN process it so I have forgotten my story from this weekend.

We had lots of fun blah blah blah and I learned a very interesting piece of knowledge at dinner Saturday night. Now let me preface dinner with the fact I was drunk. Mr. Darcy, La Sicilian, and I had started playing Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture edition in a bar 3 hours and 3 pitchers of newcastle ago and when we met up with OJ (the "other" one) and a friend of hers we went to dinner and got a bottle of wine. Now Mr. Darcy informs me that I was being loud enough for him to clearly hear my voice over the crowd of the restaurant in the bathroom but I'm going to say that's just because he loves me. So OJ reveals that her on-again off-again boyfriend is frightened of me. Which of course was hilarious and I nearly snorted wine out of my nose. [note: pinot noir not friendly in the nasal cavities].

I, of course, exclaimed "Whatever- I am the nicest person I know!" which did cause some interesting stares from the other tables- I guess they must love me too. But most interesting thing was that he is apparently not frightened by La Sicilian. I was frightened of La Sicilian for the first 3 years we were friends. She is my Hermia "and though she be but little, she is fierce". But no, not frightened of her. Just me.

Now I have nothing against the boy. Sure, I did once, in his presence, say their relationship was very Ike and Tina. And FINE- I had to be told a couple of years later by OJ that I was not allowed to say it anymore because it cause many fights later but I still stand by my statement. I mean Ike and Tina without the abuse of course. Don't anyone call the police.

She would not say why he was scared of me although there was a reason she just clammed up when I began my interrogation innocent questioning. No worries though, we have not seen the last of this discussion. I'm sure some leafy substances and mass amounts of jack daniels will change the tide over Thanksgiving. I will be sure to keep you posted.

Unicorns and puppies forever,

IT'S RAINING MEN!

Rhett prowled the town last night showing off his new physique, recently acquired with zero effort (which for the record pisses me off to no end.) Accompanied by our friend "Mr. Belding," they consumed as much alcohol as possible before the bars closed at 9:00 p.m. (Yes, your eyes are not deceiving you. All bars in our tiny little town close at 9:00 on weeknights, except for one which closes at 11:00.) It was at this last late closing bar, when a man appreciated Rhett's baby face and social ease. This man could go by only one nom de plume, Del Griffith, the traveling shower curtain ring salesman from Planes, Trains and Automobiles.

Rhett's Del Griffith travels 3,000 miles a week selling diamonds and jewelry to over 30 states, including D.C. His Rolex was unlatched to allow Rhett a closer inspection of the expensive watch. Stock prices and investments were discussed at length. Del owns 10,000 shares in a company whose stock has split 4 times. A wad of cash secured by a money clip was oh, so subtly pulled out when his bar tab arrived. It was only as the bar was closing that Del wrote his number on the perverbial cocktail napkin and casually asked Rhett to call him. And THAT was was when Rhett realized he had just been hit on by a guy.

Rhett was animated in his retelling of the story, not sure if that was due to the 9 Guiness (Guin-i plural?) or if it was the validation of his attractiveness to the same sex? You know what they say, every guy is just two beers away from being a lesbian, oh wait, I think I have that wrong....

-Scarlett

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My Love Affair with Jack Bauer

Jack Bauer is a god among men and deserves to be worshipped as such. I have just finished watching season 4 of 24 and I am now all caught up (I saw season five while it was actually on tv). I could not be more excited for season six either. In case you live in a box and have not yet seen the trailer, I suggest you watch it at http://www.24trailer.com/ at least 5 times a day. There are 81 days until season six starts and watching this trailer 5-7 times a day may be enough to get you through. If however, you need more Jack Bauer, may I suggest checking out Top 100 Facts. More proof that Jack Bauer is a god among mere mortals – he has his own entry in Wikipedia.

Other reasons to love Jack Bauer include that he is not only absolutely the sexiest man alive (hello – are you listening People magazine??) but he’s a bad ass! He tortures the husband of the woman he loves, he fakes his own death and he was married to Terri, and personally, I found her to be rather annoying. Now, after finishing season four, I have to also admit that Audrey is kind of annoying too. Jack deserves a good woman.

As much as I do love 24 and of course Jack Bauer, I have to admit that the show has its moments (unfortunately more than less) of being absolutely, completely unrealistic. I am usually ok with overlooking this but there are some comments I would like to make regarding 24. First, to the writers, directors, producers and the rest of you who live in LA and work on this show – GET OVER YOURSELF! Los Angeles is NOT that great. Nobody is out to get you so stop pretending like you are the city terrorists plan to blow up. Secondly, if they did blow up Los Angeles, well, that’s ok, we still have New York! Third, who the hell would actually choose a man like Charles Logan to be vice president? The man has no balls and is so annoying! I’m not going to miss him during season six – the same way I didn’t miss Terri Bauer or Sherry Palmer.

So, my little diatribe must come to an end but before I close I’d like to clarify that yes, I am aware that Jack Bauer is not a real man but a character played by Keifer Sutherland on TV. For the record, I’d sleep with him too.

Okay, okay I concede....my indie music sucks! Clem's collection of pop goodies, the highlight of which being her Nelly Furtado album, is WAY better than my stuff. I don't know what I'm talking about and she is right in all things. I do not really believe this, but Clem is forcing me to say these things. It actually gives me pain to write those words.

There okay Clem, now may I please have my dignity back?

-Scarlett

Scarlett-
I do appreciate the hearfelt apology...but I think you may be missing something about your choices in music??


I would like you all to take a moment and look a the follwing link:

Help me avoid any more diasters

Please consider purchasing this for me as a Christimas present. It is well worth the money.


Word out.
Clem

An Open Letter to Clementine

26th Day of October, 2006

Dear Clem,

The letter I received from your lawyer asked me to cease and desist dispensing any further dating advice. Point taken. I offer my heartfelt apology for wasting your time with my suggestions. In the future, I hope you will look past this little incident and I will earn back my credibility as the wise sage of whom I consider myself.


Sincerely,

Katie Scarlett O'Hara Hamilton Kennedy Butler

Scarlett's Movie Critique of Marie Antoinette: Decidely Light on Jaime Dornan

The movie was gorgeous with the breathtaking backdrop of Versailles, filmed on location for authenticity. My only complaint was that Jaime Dornan's character Count Fersen should have had more screen time! He is afterall, my newest celeb crush*! Oh, and I hear that Jaime is a musician. Now, if only he would occasionally wear guyliner then I'd be all set. Oh, but according to our own The Future Mrs. Darcy and www.stereogum.com guyliner is so passe' Well, I don't care, okay!

*If Rhett can list Scarlett Johannson as his celeb crush, then what's good for the goose is good for the gander!

-Scarlett O'Hara

I don't have anything particular to say at the moment but would like to share a brief excerpt from a conversation Scarlett and I are having:

Me: because i could wear the shiny tights under the hot pants and tights have no place in porn

Scarlett: right

That is all for now.

Clem -

Patience is a virtue. : - )

- Scarlett

Scarlett-

Have you started drafting your apology??

No word from FNB so far.....less than 96 hrs left....

Clem :-)

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As my girl Ella Fitzgerald used to say, "Oh, Lady, Be Good!"

Rhett has pondered Clementine's situation with FNB and wanted me to offer his male perspective. He suggested a variety of techniques one should employ when trying to make a hook-up come about.

1. Show the thong.
2. Cleavage, cleavage, cleavage. He couldn't stress this enough.
3. Act slutty.

For the record, I do not condone these methods. One mustn't cheapen herself for some boy, not even for FNB. One must always conduct herself with the utmost respect and sense of self-worth. I have suggested to Rhett that he leave the dispensing of dating advice to me. I also called him a pig at which he replied "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn" which sounded strangely familiar. Rhett was on a role when after we saw The Prestige he commented on Scarlett Johansson's nice "bazoombas." Rhett is clearly paying homage to the golden age of misogyny with such old fashion rhetoric.


West Elm Debacle Update
The credit voucher was spent on a chocolate wood console table which arrived damaged!!! They will be replacing it, unless they have run out. I would like to quote the wise Ruff Rider himself, DMX

Y'all gon' make me lose my mind
up in HERE, up in here
Y'all gon' make me go all out
up in here, up in here
Y'all gon' make me act a FOOL
up in HERE, up in here
Y'all gon' make me lose my cool
up in here, up in here

Truer words never were spoken....

-Scarlett

Can't wait till Thurs, and for all the wrong reasons...

Ok.....so about this whole "hook up" thing.

I encourage those with myspace to revisit FNB's page. With over 200 friends, I think that it's safe to assume I am like girl M, whereas he is my A. Sad sad day, for he may be a manwhore.

But let's feed your delusion, that he actually does pony up and calls/emails, and an actual date is set.

I realize that "hook up" is very ambiguous but for the purpose of the bet, hooking up can be defined as simply making out. I am Catholic after all kids! No sex..not even in the Bill Clinton sense, if you understand what I'm saying.

So...I think that about covers it....

I will be expecting a nice long blog expressing Scarlett's sincere apology and deepest regrets on Thursday.

Word out.
Clem

Dear TFMD,

Good point! A definition must first and foremost be agreed upon. I consider a hook-up to involve "heavy petting" over or under clothes but not in the "biblical" sense if you get my drift [wink, wink] however I will agree to whatever definition Ms. Clem is comfortable with.

XOXOXO,
Scarlett

Dear Entire World, Loyal Readers, Loyal Posters, People involved in a bet pertaining to FNB,

Not to sound like my Mom but can we please define "hook up". Being a wholesome yet angry and drunken lunatic in college I feel my definition is a wee bit different that others and has already once in recent history had me sitting a Caltort thinking to myself "But I thought you just...? And how would that...? Oh....OOOH" and then feeling like a home schooled middle schooler in a banana clip.

Because I believe we all realize that sloppy drunken making out is much different than full on knockin boots.

Hugs and Sunshine,
The Future Mrs. Darcy

---

Dear Scarlett,

This is Clem and I need to ask your relationship advice. You are wise beyond your years and since you and Rhett have been in a deeply committed relationship for years, I trust your judgement above all others. There is this boy that I like. Let's call him FNB. I want to hook up with FNB by Wednesday of next week. How should I accomplish this? Oh, and by the way I love your witty banter and insightful criticism of music. Your taste is impeccable.

- Clementine

Dear Clem,

My taste in music IS really great! Thanks for noticing. On to the topic at hand. If you follow my tips I guarantee you'll hook up w/ FNB by Wednesday. If not, I'll eat my words and offer up my heartfelt apology for wasting your time.

Scarlett's tips for hooking up w/ a guy:

1. Wear a "guy cute" outfit. This may be a dressed up pair of jeans w/ 3" heels. Make sure your girls are on display to eliminate any confusion as to your intentions. Do not under any circumstances wear leggings under a skirt, though cute this may be, this kind of outfit is worn by girls wear to impress other girls. The look is completely lost on boys.

2. Lipgloss! Lipgloss! Lipgloss! I cannot stress this enough.

3. Before your date, spend some time glancing at ESPN.com for conversation fillers.

4. Ask him about his musical taste to determine what kind of guy you're dealing with. If he says he likes:

• Radiohead - you're dealing w/ an indie hipster who prefers intelligent flirtation...try to make clever double entendres.
  
• East Coast Hip Hop - you're dealing w/ a guy who has grown up on rap videos so he responds to more overt flirtation.
• Limp Bizkit - run, do not walk to the nearest exit. If need be, I could call you on your cell for a excuse to leave.

5. Stand in good lighting all night. Do not allow yourself to be seen under harsh florescents. Candlelight is a girl's best friend.

Good luck Clem, I wish you the best. Just remember you are smart enough, pretty enough and gosh darn it, people like you!

-Scarlett

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Jake Shears Made Me All Wet!

Get your minds out of the gutters. I mean he literally soaked me upon throwing his water bottle out in the crowd at last night's Scissor Sisters concert in Nash-Vegas, baby! Rhett and I were prolly 7 people deep from the stage. The venue was almost exactly like the 9:30 Club w/o the balcony. I would have drunk dialed you guys from the concert, but I didn't have your numbers programmed into my phone. That will be remedied shortly.

Since Jake is like my Gemini twin, I thought it would be fun to do a side by side comparison. Check it:

• Jake likes cute boys; I like cute boys
• Jakes loves sequins; I love sequins
• Jake is a rockstar; I pretend to be a rockstar when I sing with the radio
• Jake once worked as a stripper; I once worked as a stripper (well, not so much "worked" as a stripper, but I always positioned myself near the pole on the Metro during my daily commute.)
• Jake used to live in KY; I live in KY
• Jake goes by a nom de plume; I go by a nom de plume
• Jake has blonde highlights; I have blonde highlights

That's really uncanny!

There was an attendant positioned in the ladies room. She squirted soap into my hand and passed me a paper towel. And for this I had to tip her a buck. Now, I'm not sure what is the tipping etiquette for this kind of situation. Anyone know? It's not like I took advantage of the complimentary hairspray or mouthwash. There were cigarettes available too, but I'm guessing they weren't free. Is straight up handwashing a buck? What if you go more than once? Is it a buck a visit or does one buck buy you all the handwashing you need? Handwashing seems, to me, to be an initmate act and I, for one, am not really comfortable with her standing all up in my business.

Due to poor planning on my part we left for Nash-Vegas around 4:30 p.m. without having dinner. We expected to find a restaurant where we could eat before the show. We arrived into town with only an hour to spare so we decided to eat at the chi chi restaurant next door to the venue. After cocktails were ordered we looked at the menu to find everything was ceviche, crab cakes and other seafood-y stuff. Rhett doesn't really do seafood unless Captain D's batters and fries the hell out it. Even I couldn't find something to eat from this menu. So, we opted to stick to cocktails only. At the show I had three more drinks on an empty stomach, Charly wisely didn't drink. If you're counting, that's 4 cocktails all with generous pour on an empty stomach. We hit McDonald's on our way out of town. Needless to say I scarfed my food down, which resulted in hiccups. These hiccups have returned this morning. It's really starting to [hiccup] piss me [hiccup] off!

-Scarlett

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Scarlett why didn't you just say he was the crazy dude from Bram Stokers Dracula?! [Thank you www.readexpress.com]

Cold, Allergies or Karma Kicking My Ass???

I'm sick, this sucks. I think it's a cold - coupled with my allergies from George the stray cat. I lay awake at night hacking and cough so much I give myself a headache. Have you ever done that before? It hurts! Breathing appears to be a chore too but that may be karma kicking my ass though b/c I recently caved and bought a pack of cigarettes. I know, I know - bad idea, what was I thinking, etc. etc. Truth be told I wasn't thinking. I was drinking and I wanted a cigarette and there was nobody around for me to bum from (largely b/c I was at home) so I went and bought a pack. Deal with it. No idea how many drinks I would owe Clem and Ms. Darcy for that one but it's not August so the deal is off.

In other unrelated news, we hired someone to officiate our wedding yesterday. He seems nice but I'm actually a little bit scared of him. Not sure why but that can't be a good sign. Turns out he also does some work for my employer so I'll be dealing with him occassionally in a professional capacity as well. Is that a little strange to anyone else? Otherwise wedding plans are fine - I'm sure you were concerned. I'm currently talking myself out of the floral centerpieces I wanted in an effort to save money. I'll settle for what the site provides but let me say it is not my first choice so don't tell me my centerpieces are ugly - I have no choice. The only comments I want to hear all night are "you look beautiful", "can i get you a drink" and "sweet, there's an open bar" b/c after the ceremony takes place (b/c we all know it's about the marriage and not the wedding) it's all about the reception and the best receptions have open bars. I expect you to represent and not let me down. Arg, if only this could all be over and I could be drinking at my wedding reception now, life would be SO much better! Wedding planning is NOT fun - at most it's bearable but not exactly fun. Sorry Ms. Darcy but best you hear it here first.

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Error By Omission

Harp Magazine (that's right, who?) has created a list of the 50 most essential albums since 2000. Below is the list. Two of my favorite bands have been egregiously omitted from this list: Tegan & Sara and Spoon.


50) Gillian Welch - (Time) The Revelator
49) The Roots - Phrenology
48) Queens of the Stone Age - Songs for the Deaf
47) Silver Jews - Tanglewood Numbers
46) Guided by Voices - Isolation Drills
45) Neko Case - Blacklisted
44) Solomon Burke - Dont Give Up On Me
43) Kathleen Edwards - Failer
42) Mark Lanegan - Bubblegum
41) Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros - Streetcore
40) Lucinda Williams - World without tears
39) Missy Elliot - Miss E…So Addictive
38) Sparklehorse - Its a wonderful life
37) The Libertines - Up the Bracket
36) The Black Keys - Rubber Factory
35) Franz Ferdinand - S/T
34) Wolf Parade - Apologies to Queen Mary
33) Bob Dylan - Love and Theft
32) The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots
31) Drive By Truckers - Decoration Day
30) Ryan Adams - Gold
29) Steve Earle - The Revolution Starts Now
28) Elvis Costello - The Delivery Man
27) The Strokes - Is This It?
26) The White Stripes - White Blood Cells
25) The Shins - Chutes Too Narrow
24) The White Stripes - Elephant
23) Cat Power - You Are Free
22) Loretta Lynn - Van Lear Rose
21) Devendra Banhart - Cripple Crow
20) My Morning Jacket - It Still Moves
19) Outkast - Speakerboxxx/The Love Below
18) Steve Earle - Jerusalem
17) Iron and Wine - Our Endless Numbered Days
16) Wilco - A Ghost is Born
15) PJ Harvey - Uh Huh Her
14) Kanye West - Late Registration
13) The New Pornographers - Electric Version
12) The White Stripes - Get Behind Me Satan
11) Sleater Kinney - The Woods
10) The Mars Volta - Frances the Mute
9) MIA - Arular
8) Anthony and the Johnsons - I Am A Bird Now
7) Tom Waits - Real Gone
6) My Morning Jacket - Z
5) Tom Waits - Alice
4) Wilco - Yankee Hotel Foxtrot
3) Brian Wilson - Smile
2) The New Pornographers - Twin Cinema
1) The Arcade Fire - Funeral


Clearly this list was comprised by men who, as evidence suggests, are older than me. Though I concur with many of the bands, namely The White Stripes, The Shins, The Arcade Fire and the many other "The" bands, I disagree with the list being so heavy on Tom Waits. Look I'll be honest. I hate Tom Waits. The only Tom Waits music I like is when Rod Stewart sings Downtown Train. If that admission means my hipster status has to be revoked, then so be it. Now, I know my namesake Scarlett Johansson will be releasing an album of Tom Waits covers, but that doesn't make me like his music and it doesn't make it cool. In fact, Scarlett, if I can speak to you directly, I know that you are the indie hipsters' poster girl. And I know that Rhett's celebrity crush is the only reason we saw Lost in Translation three times. But come on, your agent is lying to you when he told you the Revlon ads were a good idea. (Hello! over-exposure) And he's lying to you when he promotes this cover album as anything other than a self-indulgence.

But I digress from my point - I demand that Harp seriously consider Spoon's Gimme Fiction and Tegan & Sara's So Jealous. It is a crime that these albums should not be given their due props. Any list that has The Roots at #49 but Kanye West at #14 is total bunk. I mean WTF! (I liked Kanye the first time around, you know when it was Chaka Khan!)

Does anyone else take issue with this list? Margeaux, are you pissed that Micheal Buble's album didn't make the list? Popodop, don't you feel that German Bass music should be represented.

- Katie Scarlett O'Hara Hamilton Kennedy Butler
(Not to be confused w/ Scarlett Johansson, it happens ALL the time)

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Soon to be not-SWF seeks knowledgable Catholic

Ok so when I was in religious ed we had to go to confession during Lent... Or something like that but it was fun (if confession can be considered so) because we got to get out of my crazy religious ed teacher's house and go to the Church where everyone and their dog from our high school was with their religious ed class. There had both priests working that day and there would be a line out of the Church for Father Walsh and like 2 people in line for Father Daly. Now, not being one to wait in line (especially when Melrose Place was on at home) I decided to throw the dice and take my chances with Father Daly. Now I've blocked the rest of that story out of my mind but I vaguely remember leaving and telling my friend, Pam, that he was kind of mean. Fast forward to today. Er rewind to a couple of weeks ago instead. My mom and I are driving and gossiping as we are wont to do and she says "do you remember Father Walsh by any chance?" Now she said by any chance because we are not the most church going folk in the world but we definitely make to major holidays and I'm particularly fond of Midnight Mass and drag my family with me every year. BUT the crazy thing is I did remember Father Walsh and not just from the aformentioned story. So she says that he's retired/working at a church on the other side of town and lot of people my age have been asking him to do their ceremony so I'm like awesome. Now you can go ahead and fast forward to today where my mom called on the metro to say Father Walsh can do it and that he'd call me later on in the day to chat a bit and he's also like to see Mr Darcy and I when we come home for Thanksgiving.

So yeah rock on.... Or SO I THOUGHT. Or perhaps I've thought too much but AHHHH what if he asks if we're living together, what if he asks if Mr Darcy is Catholic (he's Episcopalian), what if he asks how much I go to Church or my views on women priests or a woman's choice or WHERE MY HYMEN IS?!?!?!? I think I'm going to throw up. I can't lie to the man-- that's totally worse.

He called and it went straight to voicemail because my reception sucks here so now I have to call back... HELP!

---

The Experiment:

Who: Me and FNB
How: An email to FNB.
When: Last week
Why: As a learning tool. As pointed out, I am ok with flirting and talking a good game when out at a bar drinking. But if the guy follows through, I become completely incompetent outside the bar. The test was to treat FNB like a *gasp* person/friend.
This means if I felt like calling/emailing about something we talked about previously I would. And so I did.

What:
Last Monday I emailed FNB about my football picks. Imagine my surprise when I got an email back within 2 hours. And so it began.
We emailed all week. We talked about our weekend, football picks, work,etc. . All in all it was ok. Lots of smilies and some flirting, I think- that's hard to read over email.
The last email I send was late on Thursday and since was going to be out of town, I didn't expect a response. But I got one Friday night. Granted it only said "thanks, you too :) ", I thought it was still good he emailed out of town. I don' t think I would have.
Last night was the end of the experiment. I texted him something that could have been a conversation started, but it wasn't. I got a response, but one that didn't warrant a response. At that point I decided that my part of the experiment is over.

Week 2 of the experiment says this is his week to get in touch with me.

I will keep you posted.

Clem

Lovely Day

I woke up at the insane hour of 5:20 a.m. due to the metabolizing of 5 bourbon & cokes on Friday night. Since Rhett was having a similar difficulty sleeping, we decided we'd just get up. He made me a breakfast of pancakes, bacon, eggs, hot coffee and my new favorite orange juice, Simply Orange. I find this to be the only orange juice on the market worthy of blog testimony. With our bellies full we were able to go back to sleep until noon.

The second time I woke up this morning I rose with the greeting of 3 netflix movies and my West Elm credit voucher in the mail. I love getting movie mail! This is going to be a great day, I can feel it. No plans other than listening to the new Scissor Sisters album in preparation of Tuesday's concert in Nashville. Oh, and I will also schedule in some good tv time, watching Grey's Season 2 finale so that I may be, once and for all, caught up. Also have MI-5 starring my British crush McFadden. The West Elm credit voucher is burning a whole in my pocket, so I'll also be logging some online shopping.

Have a great day!

-Scarlett

P.S. Popodop, where are you? Have you been lost in a vortex? Have you run away to Ireleand to join the Women's Cricket team? Has "D" finally sucked the life blood out of you?

---

Ok guys I slept in today so I'm really hoping that you haven't already heard because I really wanted to tell you myself. You might have already seen it on the news or had someone tell you but I hope not because I don't want you to think "oh my god... what didn't she tell me herself? Am I not special? Does she not like me?" and of course that's not true and while we on the subject there's really no reason to be so self conscious. But if you felt that way i'm sorry. Now, Scarlett, it may take a day or two to reach you so I'm not so worried there, although Rhett does have alot of contacts in the area and I'm sure this spread like wildfire. But... you should hear about it from me first. I rocked the shit out of the sudoku in the express yesterday. Yeah, it was friday- the "hard" one and I totally did it in like 30 minutes. Please were obviously staring at my mad skillz on the metro and I think I saw a couple of them taking video and texting their friends which is why I really wanted you to hear about my awesomeness from me and no one else. Because I really don't play sudoku much any more since the great express sudoku tournament when all of you trained me and then i started seeing numbers in my sleep and had to stop before i went completely insane so that makes my victory all the more sweet. And I'm sure soon the story of the glory of the second half of my metro ride home yesterday will be sweeping the nation shortly and we all know that Katie Couric will want an interview to try and boost her ratings and that it'll just be my face everywhere but you guys should be the first to know. Cool.
[O'Doyle rules]

Selfless, Cold and Composed

We now almost have heat, people! This is fantastic since last night's temps dropped to 44 degrees. While I was shivered under the blankets, I tried to use the body heat of Rhett, Jody the dog & Billy the cat to keep warm. This is only effective until you have to make coffee in the morning. BRRRR! I say that we almost have heat because the radiators haven't warmed the whole house yet, so my fingers are still cold as they clack away at this here keyboard.

Our heating issues in great detail:
During the home inspection, the 2 year old boiler was not turned on therefore the inspector noted this, but could not examine it. We had the option to request that the owner turn it on for reinspection, however we, as naive first-timers, deemed such as unnecessary because 1) the boiler was so new 2) the previous owners had small children so I assumed they must have had working heat. Last week we called in a boiler technician to light the boiler for the Fall before the outside temperatures dropped. During his service call it was revealed that the boiler had been drained of all water. Also, a pressure valve had to replaced and the electrial board was not original and did not match the boiler make and model, therefore it too had to be replaced. $1,000 later and we have heat.

Scarlett's tips when you're considering a home:
Yes, I am referring to myself in the third person...get over it. Tip #1 - Assume nothing. Don't assume b/c kids lived there that the heat must be fully functionally and ready to use. Tip #2 - Don't just comment on the pretty pomogranate wall color of the bathroom, look to see if ACTUAL tile lines the shower as opposed to "tile board" which is not actually tile but rather painted wood. I failed to do this and now realize that this tile board needs replacing. Uh....yeah...we'll get to that just as soon as we replace the roof...oh, and then there is the tuckpointing of the entire house...oh, but don't forget the chimney that has loose bricks, gotta repair that too.....and repair some plaster....have the floors refinished...landscape the yard....furnish the entire house...relay flooring in the kitchen and mud room...speaking of the mudroom we still have to cut a whole in the floor to vent the dryer outside...oh and I forgot about the electrial rewiring that's priority #1. Just a few minor DIY's

Please do not assume that I am complaining because we love this house and all of it's quarks, like the way the lights dim when I run the washing machine and dish washer at the same time! We have made a noble, selfless commitment to restore an old Southern house. This house is my Tara. Rhett & I look forward to the day when AD (or Archectural Digest) knocks on the door requesting a photo shoot.

Clem keeps asking for photos. I'll get around to taking shots soon. Pinky swear!

MiTunes: been in a mellow / front porch coffee drinking / watching the leaves change sorta mood so listening to Zero 7 and as the title of this entry indicates Ben Folds Five.

-Scarlett

---

Drinking with Jesus

Since I didn't go out last night and my roommates were busy, I decided to have a glass of wine.
This allowed me to develop a new theory....a theory I'd like to call

"The Rotation of the Male Species"

Now, here is what the theory states:

You should aim to have at least three guys in the rotation. Three, in my opinion, is the perfect number. This allows you to talk/email/text and go out on dates all on different days of the week. This way there is only 1 or 2 days where you are focused on one and not the others. For example:

Monday: Email Boy A; ignore Boy B, and Boy C

Tues: Call Boy C; ignore Boy A, and Boy B

Wed: Text Boy B; ignore Boy A and Boy B

Thurs: Go out with Boy A; ignore Boy B and Boy C.

And it's already Friday.

The weekend should be spent with friends so you can keep your eyes open in case you need to switch someone out. Repeat and switch up as necessary.

I'm not saying you whore (ie. sleeping with them all)yourself out. Quite the opposite. After all who knows how long any boy will stay in rotation. I think that harmless flirting and getting to know them is much more important than spending the night with them.

You should also keep your standards. If you don't have a third guy, that doesn't mean you should pick up the next random person at 7-11. Unless of course you think he is cute and funny.

And now the disclaimer:I think this is a temporary solution until you find someone who you just want to be Boy A, B, and C all together. That is, you think he is the one AND he feels the same way. That's a huge "and". Too often do we, as females, have a movie playing in our head thinking every nice/cute/successful/funny guy we meet will be the one. This just isn't the case.

And so you have the theory...
Clem

---

I have nothing witty to say. I lead a boring life but that's ok. My cat is happy to see me when I get home at night and greets me at the door. He forgets that in a few hours I will use every part of my body necessary to hold him still so I can pry his eye open and put drops in it to fight his infection. I think if he could talk he would tell me to "back off bitch" but he deals with it and silently curses me on the inside. My other half needs help to accomplish this task yet I can do it by myself. Why is that? Why does a man need help with a 3 pound kitten? He's got almost 200 pounds on the thing yet I can do it by myself. Oh well. I told you, I have nothing witty to say.

Things at my new job are going well. I've decided to try to figure out which tv character my coworkers most remind me of. So far I've decided that D is most like Michael Scott on the office. Not nearly as bad but does make some bad jokes that you feel compelled to laugh at. Haven't figured out the rest yet. Everyone is really nice though so it wouldn't be a bad or annoying character. Can't really say much about the job. Still getting acclimated and haven't done anything meaningful yet. Still curious how things are going in the old department without me. I'm sure it's fine and hasn't burned to the ground but I kinda wish it would. Not sure why I care though. Does that mean I miss it? I really hope not.

Ok, I fear I'm boring you now too. I shall go watch episodes of Sex and the City on TBS that I've already seen 7 times and that aren't as good as the original. Hey Scarlett - while you're telling us how books/movies end, can you fill me in on Snow Falling On Cedars? I haven't got past chapter 2 yet and I think I started it in May.

---

Warning: Harry Potter, Sex in the City, Six Feet Under, Sixth Sense, The Da Vinci Code, Twin Peaks & Dallas Spoilers

Do not continue reading this if I will be blamed for spoiling the ending of these story lines even though, I feel, that I should not be held responsible for spoilers after a certain amount of time. If you have not read, rented the dvd, or watched a show within 18 months of it's release, I will not take responsibility for inadvertantly ruining the ending during converstaion.

I have this friend, let's call him Mr. Belding. Mr. Belding and I were discussing the fact that I am compiling a reading list of all the books that I should have read, started to read, or maybe I've seen the BBC film adaptation but that doesn't really count, so now I'm gonna make up for the gaps in my literary repertoire. I had stumbled upon a list on McSweeney's that I thought was hilariously appropos. The list was called, The Endings of 10 famous novels you always meant to read but never got around to:

BY SALOM TESHALE

- - - -

She dies.

He falls out of love with her.

He dies.

He kills it and then he dies.

Everyone dies.

A fire destroys everything.

He wins.

They're rescued.

They find it.

Snape kills Dumbledore.

So, I shared this list with Mr. Belding thinking that he too would find the subtle humor. Only I had forgotten that Mr. Belding was still on book 4 of the Harry Potter series and Snape killed Dumbledore in book 6. Mind you book 4 was released in 2000, if your counting folks that's 6 years ago. How, in 6 years, has Mr. Belding not finished book 4, book 5 and book 6? We are talking about a man who is an educator of children? Nevermind the fact that the surprise ending of book six was released in July 2005, well over a year ago. You mean to tell me that Mr. Belding didn't hear the ending discussed in the halls of an elementary school? Perhaps because the children all read about it over the summer, he was able to avoid it, but really, I'm the first person to spoil it? The most beloved children's book series in the ENTIRE world....really, it is my fault that I assumed he had read it in a timely manner?

I entirely understand the frustration of having an ending ruined. I watched all the HBO series (Sex in the City, The Soprano's, and Six Feet Under ) on dvd an entire year after their seasons originally aired. Thanks to the Washington Post's entertainment section I accidently read that Nate died of an embulism, but had to wait a year to actually see the episodes. I was pissed, but really who could I blame? It's not easy avoiding spoilers in an office environment either. A co-worker let it slip about Miranda being knocked up & marrying Steve, that Carrie ended up with Big in Paris. It was my choice not to subscribe to HBO so I had to deal with spoilers.

My point is that after a certain amount of time these revelations are no longer spoilers, but become part of our common cultural experience. These movies, tv shows & books are watched and read by so many people, the characters, so integrated into our lives that their plotlines are discussed like we would discuss the happenings of mutual friends. After a while, I say 18 months, you gotta give a sista a break if she let's it slip that:

it was just a dream

he shot the mirror

he was dead all along

she is a direct decendent of Jesus

the father killed her


Now, speaking of endings could FOX please resolve the series Reunion? I'm dying to know who killed Sam.

-Scarlett

---

Can you die of boredom?

I really hope not because I'm not ready to die.
Really, it's that bad.

The dreadful weekly meeting was cancelled. While happy that I don't have to sit and listen to people drone on about stuff I could careless about, at least it killed close to 2 hrs.

I have pretty much bothered everyone I could today. I think if I keep doing that I will have a restraining order filed against me. There really isn't much for me to over analyze, at least not until later this week.

I've done some of the crossword the future Mrs. Darcy created, visited people and gofugyourself. I have to save overheard for later this afternoon.

Oh, you guys will appreciate this....so no one is here. One production artist has left earlier because "he isn't feeling well". Now, I am not judging, after all I was "under the weather" last week. In fact, I think he must have coughed or something close to me, because now I don't feel great. I should probably go home early today....

Word out.
Clem

So it's officially fall, and that means it's time to do something different with my hair....
Here is your chance to make some suggestions!

---

sigh. part of me just wants to post the picture since i, at one point or another, have told most of you the story... and since telling the story spirals me deeper into this apparent depression that has set in... but anyway (quickly) here it goes:

despite feeling ill after my ungodly amount of cheese fondue combined with 2 woodchucks (which are far sweeter than i remember), Mr Darcy and I got up saturday and stuff ourselves at the Taste of Bethesda where the notable things that happened are: 1) I petitioned the owners (Pam and Alan- that's right the people on the napkins) of Caltort to open a location in Alexandria and 2) tripped in a pothole on the way back which I believe has impact on what occured later in the day. So later that night, Mr Darcy and I went on quite the bender starting with Jaegerbombs, moving to whiskey on the m-fing rocks, then he continued with another and i broke down and diluted my second whiskey with diet coke, then we had another jaegerbomb and headed off to the townie bar to play pool. On the way we remark how we feel the jaegerbombs have effected us a little more than we had thought they would yet that did not stop us from getting a pitcher and making friends with the crazy townies. Problem with making friends with townies is that after finishing first pitcher- the craziest of the townies buys us another.

So we drunk. Later Mr. Darcy and I both recall fall whilst trying to 1) put money in the side of the pool table (me) and 2) while making wild gestures after missing a shot (Mr. Darcy). So we leave and put our new crazy townie friend in a taxi who says we should tag along to which too many Law & Orders pop in my head and I secretly feel him knowing where we live may not be the best idea so we say "No it's a short distance- we'll just walk". Yeah so less than 5 minutes later I'm on the ground after rolling my weak ankle under. Mr Darcy, offers to carry me but he can't walk straight and I had no desire to fall in front of moving traffic so I walk the rest of the mile home with the ankle. All taxis mysterious are absent from the rest of the walk home despite my half asses efforts to flag down every car that comes by so I don't have to turn around to figure out which cars are taxies and which are not.

Fast forward to next morning. Wake up slightly hung over and notice other knee is hurting very badly. In a new twist to a continued segment i'm sure we all could write entitled "Alcohol and Age- Things that never happened to you when you were 18" my hangover progress in a downward tailspin throughout the day until I decided to go take a bath (which involved me crab crawling to the bathroom) and by the time i got to the bathroom the motion from the crab crawl resulted in the expulsion of remaining alcohol in my system. Though the bath went fine (no more expulsion) I took a nap afterwards and miraculously woke up better. After some dinner we set off to the wonderful world of ERs in which I couldn't remember my doctor's name at registration and nearly told the woman it was "Alex Karev" because that named seemed so familiar- it must be correct, right?

In conclusion- i have a sprained right ankle and a sprained knee- the ankle being worse than the knee which is good since i have to use that left leg to work the crutches. I didn't have to work today but as a result of the weekend's stupidity I can't enjoy the one day I get off and don't have to spend 8 hours at work and 2 on the metro and actually can see the fucking light of day at my apartment- i can't do any of the shit on my long list of things i wanted to get done.

---

Stuck at work on Columbus Day :-(

Sadly this is the first break of the day.

Weekend Update:
So Cam did call Sat and left a v/m. I hate talking to guys on the phone. Anyway, he said he'd be out at the bar. I texted back, I was going somewhere else. Needless to say I was surprised to see a call from him around 1am. Basically just checking in to see how my night was. Again, I texted back. No contact was made Sun.

I flirted a little too much for my own good Sat with a guy. He basically told me he was disappointed in me b/c I wasn't going home with him. I'm sorry, do you even know my name? No. He didn't. Yeah, that's only one reason I'm not going home with you. Men are such hos.

No call/text/myspace contact/smoke-signal from FNB. Jackass.

That's shame. Out of all the latest guys, he was my #1 preference to flirt with.

Moving along.....
Random Thought #1
I've been listening to my ipod all day. Two reasons:
I've become obsessed with Nelly Furtado's new album. Not only is "Maneater" a kick-ass song, but I really like "Afraid". Some people out there may say she is a "big ole ho", but isn't she better than Paris?
I need to drown out Minnie. She has started singing. Need I say more?

Random Thought #2
I truly believe that if the Post Office is closed, all businesses should be. I mean if you don't get mail, why should you work?

Random Thought #3
When driving to work, become aware of who is driving in front of you and behind you. Apparently, I didn't turn left fast enough for the car behind me. Turns out it was a co-worker. I hope she is embarrassed cause I really don't like her.

That's all I have today kids. Hope you are all enjoying the day off!

Clem

Please do NOT feed the Care Bear

Saturday night was the neighbor's Halloween Party. I rocked the Care Bear costume and was not once mistaken for a pig, so I felt a small victory. Rhett's dry delivery was perfect for his conspiracy theorist costume, and as predicted costume preparations did not begin until 3 hours before the party.

I HEART Jake I got my tickets to the Scissor Sisters concert in Nashville on Oct. 17th. Can't wait! I missed them when they performed at the 9:30 Club

Retailers are still trying to drive me insane. I told you all about the West Elm chair debacle. A resolution has finally been reached. They are sending me a $75 credit voucher redeemable at West Elm, Pottery Barn & Williams Sonoma, so I'm pacified for now. My latest annoyance involves the purchase of two counterstools from CB2. The chair bases arrived on Saturday via Fed Ex, but the seat portion won't arrive until today via UPS. Really? Whatever!

To see my chairs: http://www.cb2.com/family.aspx?c=115&f=2640

In other furniture news: I have a new 134 lb. armoire that Rhett and I had to carry up our narrow and steep staircase to the 2nd floor. Every muscle in my body was screaming in bloody pain only to be exacerbated by my hangover on Sunday a.m. Dehydration is a bitch.

Thanks to life affirming talk shows like Oprah, Ellen and The Greg Behrendt Show I've decided to use my unemployment more productively. Though I have always considered myself to be a highly literate person, scanning a list of "must read" books reveals some serious gaps. I am going to close that gap to further reach my larger life goal of winning on a trivia game show.

If you'd like to see what you should be reading:
http://www.listology.com/content_show.cfm/content_id.22845/Books

MiTunes: this week I'm into ol' skool Tribe Called Quest, Kings of Convenience, ABBA for good measure, Goldfrapp (though it makes me want to buy a Moto Krzr phone) and Metric (Emily Haines solo album isn't tempting me though) Also, I'm trying to decide if The Killers sophomore album is worth $10. Anyone heard more than 30 seconds? Oh, by the way Brandon Flowers, if you're reading this you have to shave off that stupid mustache you are too pretty for the butch look. Stick with the eyeliner. Jack White, you too need to shave. Speaking of: The White Stripes are releasing an orchestral album. Only 3,333 cds and 999 lps will be released. Downloads will not be limited. I must have this!! I heard a sample of it and it's genius avant garde at it's best!

-Scarlett

Don't Judge

Sometimes I think I shouldn't be allowed to drink.

For example:
Last night I decided to tag along with some people to visit their favorite watering hole. After scoring some Advil from the bartender, my headache subsided allowing me to drink some tasty Miller Lite. So a few drinks and shots (thanks to Petra) into the night, I notice that my friend is there, let's call him Cam.

Shockingly there is no real story behind Cam. He's a nice guy and great to flirt with.

Anyway, so Cam is there with his "woman". Now I don't know if they are dating, in a relationship, friends with benefits or what. I haven't seen Cam in 3 weeks. I tell Petra I want to say hi, but don't want to be 'that' girl. You all know that girl (much like Maneater I referred to yesterday). But I got permission to be that girl. So I was.

I walked over to Cam and we talked/flirted. The woman wasn't there at this point. Well she comes back...this doesn't stop us from conversing and laughing. Woman at this point claimed stake on Cam by taking the hat off his head and putting it on. I chuckled to myself. This was a fun little game. I'm drunk at this point people. I wouldn't do this sober, well probably not.

So now, with woman in earshot, I ask him what he is up to this weekend. He has to work early Sun. morning. That's ok, I tell him, You can just go to the bar crawl and be home and passed out by 8pm Sat night.

Fast forward. Petra and I decide it's probably time to go soon. I tell Cam we are leaving. I give/get a huge bear hug and kiss on the cheek. I don't think woman likes me. We aren't leaving right now oops.

Well we finally leave. This time we are away from the woman. I get another hug and say coyly:
"I am sorry. I didn't mean to flirt with you in front of your girlfriend"
"She's not my girlfriend"
"Oh....well I am serious about Sat. I am only going if you go"
"Ok, well I will call you Sat."

I am evil, I know but don't judge

But I resort to these things when I don't get attention from the appropriate guys, like FNB.
And in my defense, I am not the only one who thinks he is fun to flirt with.


Clem.

---

ok i don't mean to dominate this here blog but if you were say... giving files to a contractor and you sent this photo along: don't you think you'd notice that--- OH one side is missing?!?!

that stupid f-ing company that we all used to work for has not only killed my happy halloween costume buzz but SOMEHOW killed my grey's anatomy buzz. GREY'S ANATOMY BUZZ PEOPLE! IT'S ONLY ON ONCE A WEEK AND 5 MINUTES AFTER IT'S DONE MY HAPPY JOY HAS ALREADY BEEN SUCKED AWAY.

they're bastards. unorganized unqualified lazy incompetent bastards. makes me wish i'd gotten an exit interview all over again.

---

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!
I HAVE HAD THE BEST IDEA FOR A HALLOWEEN COSTUME EVER. SO GREAT THAT I MUST WRITE IN ALL CAPS.

I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT IT IS BUT IT BOTH SATISFIES MY NEED TO BE SEXY, CREATIVE, AND GORY AS HELL.

I AM SO EXCITED.
WHAT WE DOING FOR HALLOWEEN NOW?
SCARLET SURELY THE FOOL HAS A REASON FOR YOU TO BE HERE OVER HALLOWEEN-- RIGHT?

Mrs. Darcy, I have given much thought to costume ideas for you. Here is what I came up with during last night's "Wednesday is as good a day as any to get drunk when your unemployed" booze fest. Anyone who says alcohol increases creativity is lying.

Kitchen inspirations:

Elsie theCow (warning: cow head causes visual restriction, increased chance of drunk frat boys in Georgetown asking to "milk" you)

Aunt Jemima / Uncle Jemima
For authenticity, you and Mr. Darcy should ferment up some mash liquor, just don't go blind!

Little Debbie / Chef Boyarde
S & W went as this one year and they were cute.

Cereal Killer
Unorginial, but funny nonetheless. You tie a box of cereal around your neck and carry a plastic knife. Rhett likes to keep this one in his arsenal for costumes requiring little effort. More on Rhett later.

Movie inspirations:

Deb from Napolean Dynamite
Probably not the most timely of ideas, but...

Marie Antoinette
Just try to get on the Metro wearing a 3 foot powdered wig

Julia Sullivan / Robbie Hart from The Wedding Singer
Alternate costume idea for Mr. Darcy - the Boy George wannabe as played by Alexis Arquette. His version of "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me" has inspired many karaoke performances."Give me time....toooo realize my crimes....Let me love and steal....I have danced inside your eyes...How can I be reeeeaaaalll."

Please allow me to digress for a moment. People, don't mock the under-rated genius that is Boy George while he picks up trash in NYC during his community service. Yes, he did call the cops after a male escort ripped him off and yes, the cops discovered copious amounts of cocaine during their house call. But remember genius, such as his, often comes with a price and the price he pays is forgetfulness. You'd be too if you spent much of the 80's doing heroin and cocaine off of toliet seats. Oh, wait that's Kate Moss, sorry. The fact that he still lives to tell his story in the broadway autobiographical Taboo is a testament to his resiliance.

Lovin would be easy if your colors were like my dreams...red, gold and green....red, gold and green...

Shut up, that's good stuff!

That's it...I'm creatively tapped. I didn't say they were good costume ideas, but hopefully they will serve as a springboard for better ones.

As for my own costume, I'm pulling out the old Care Bear costume for this Saturday's costume party. Pictures will not be posted, as the last time I dressed as Cheer Bear I was hosting at a micro-brewery. I was mistaken for a pink pig by almost every drunk 40-something male. The kitchen staff kept calling me a "furrie." At the time I was blissfully ignorant of the negative connotation that was implied. That was probably my fault for choosing a wholesome costume to wear to a bar when all the other women were slutty devils, or french maids.

Rhett on the other hand has only decided on a costume concept. Execution of this concept has not started and I do not anticipate it begining until around 6:00 p.m. on Saturday night. He will be dressing as a conspiracy theorist. This is a repeat of last year's costume idea, which was not so much a costume as an extra tin foil hat made by his friend in the office on Halloween.

Keep Reaching for the Stars,
- Scarlett

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Dinkin Flicka

I didn't go to work yesterday, so the last two hours have been spent catching up. Slow morning, nothing really new.

Until I get an IM from Petra.

Apparently Twiz and his crush are now an item. Let me re-fresh your memory. I had a crush on Twiz last year. Last time I saw him was the beginning of the end. Granted he told me about his crush, but let's face it crush means something different than " I like her and am pursuing her". Anyway, the crush knew how I felt and she even said she felt bad for flirting/she would never do anything/they are just friends, etc. All things your friend is supposed to A. say and B. follow. Now, I'm not saying we are BFF, but I lived with her sister, so you'd think there has to be some type of loyalty.
I guess not. I could careless about him. I knew he was pretty much a womanizer, but the crush, well I am shocked. She is a maneater. I supposed the saying "Keep your friends close, and enemies closer" would apply here. I wish the two of them the best, really I do. They deserve each other.

Dinkin Flicka, dinkin flicka.

I wasn't gonna email FNB, but after this news...yeah, drafting that email shortly.

Word out.
Clem

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Weekend Update and New Job - this could be long

So Mr. Kramer (or is it soon to be Mr. Kramer, or not really any of that since I'm taking his last name) and I went home for the weekend. Let's start by saying that each time I go home it's a good reminder why I left. After having dinner with my maitron of honor and her husband, who announced they are pregnant, we headed to the hotel across the street from my mom's condo. For some reason I decided we should go to the bar, even though we'd already been drinking. I suppose the reason is I wanted a cigarette and needed to bum one b/c we all know I quit in March. So the lovely hotel bar had karaoke going on. Imagine a bunch of townies singing karoake. This was no karaoke extravaganza 2k6, this was townie people singing really really badly. I distinctly remember hearing someone try to sing karaoke to Shoop by Salt 'n Pepa. Who does that? Shortly after that I decided I'd seen enough and it was time to call it a night.

Saturday was uneventful. Saw my friends baby - very cute and then had lunch with mom and went and picked out our wedding bands. Rather painful (wedding band shopping) but that's b/c I am indecisive. Took me way too long to make a decision. That evening was the reunion. Not too much to say about that. I know I got drunk and said stuff to people that probably wasn't necessary. Nothing bad, just TMI. Can't say I'll go to the next reunion. I really just wanted to see the girls and that mission was accomplished so I guess it was worth it. Sunday was our "cake tasting." Seriously thought I might vomit from the lack of sleep and excess drinking of beer and smoking of cigarettes the night before. I made it through though and we now know what 4 flavors of cupcakes we will be serving at the main event. The last thing to say about the weekend is there was a girl on our flight back that I went to college with. I did not want to see her or have her recognize me so I oh so casually hit behind a magazine. She lived on my floor freshman year. Was nice at first and then became a raving bitch - at least I thought so. Her ass is fat now so I figure she had it coming.

So we've made it through the weekend and oh, one more random thought. My maid of honor kept playing "Thr33" from www.askaninja.com for us on her iPod. Really funny! Even more funny after lots of beer. I'm now a big fan of deathchilada style. The narrator kinda sounds like Will Ferrell. For some reason Ask A Ninja won't work on my home computer but I highly recommend it for some random stupid laughs.

Ok, moving on. Started my new job. I'll keep it brief. Had orientation yesterday. Was useful and basic and boring. Had to watch a video on harassment. In case you didn't see my comment to Scarlett's posting, I felt like I was in an episode of The Family Guy. In particular, the one where Peter has to watch the harassment video. If you haven't seen it, it's "I am Peter, Hear Me Roar," it aired on 3/28/00. Yes, we have seasons 1, 2 & 3 on DVD so I was able to look that up and I did! Anyway, made it through orientation just fine. Actually went to the office today. Had lunch with D (yes, I'm abbreviating but D works for media relations also). He's a nice guy but has lame jokes like Scarlett's old boss. It's not as bad and I hope he changes them up a bit. If not, we might be in trouble. Had a meeting with my boss after lunch which went fine. Well, that is if you consider trying to hide the fact that your diet coke has made you keep burping. Pretty sure I looked like a complete ass in the process of trying to not look like a complete ass. Really not much to report. The big score is that I do have 2 windows (in my cube) and they do open. Considering I had 4 padded walls before that with no way to know if it was night or day outside, I consider this a major coup! By 11:30 this morning I had Trillian up and running and am sure I'll be blogging before the week is out. Ah, I love my new job! Not a damn thing I miss about the old one, well, I do kinda miss the clips that worked better than tacks on the padded wall but that's about it, and since I can get those at Staples, nope, nothing I miss.

Yes, that's all for me. Sorry it's so long, it had been a while. Lastly however, yes, Wentworth is hot but I'll take Keifer, but only if I can call him Jack Bauer the whole time! One more thing, b/c I keep thinking of sh!t - watching season 4 of 24 on DVD right now. Just finished hour 11. Um, not to point out the totally unrealistic stuff, but the president has been on a plane since at least 7am. Where the F is he flying to/from? Does his plane EVER land? Ok, enough.

Margeaux out!

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Interesting you should post that Ms. Katie Scarlett O'Hara Hamilton Kennedy Butler because in a very weird way it ties into my planned discussion of: The Two Most Important Days of the Calendar Year That Are A VERY SHORT 27 Days Away...

Now, i won't post the picture because it may offer popadapolous' dislike of lady terms and possibly scarlett dislike of potty talk though maybe not so much but i will leave it up to those sick curious few who now have to know to do a google image search for "best halloween costume" and i think it's the first image that comes up. You will then, like me, most likely have to share it with whoever is in shouting (or emailing) distance. Note: Mr Darcy's was in emailing distance being he was watching True Life: I'm a Meth Addict in the living room and I was watching [probably Law and Order- the actual show isn't coming to me] in the office room and it was too late to be shouting so I emailed but the time did not stop him from immediately shouting "WE ARE NOT DOING THAT". Not that that, AT ALL, was my purpose but considering my last Halloween idea included using stocking to create the illusion of siamese twins- I can understand his concerns.

For more on my "let's all go as carnies" Halloween idea that was widely panned, as well as, the subidea to that "things to consider before strapping yourself to someone with stockings to go as carnie siamese twins like puking and peeing" please see my myspace page.

But as I eluded to - my carnie idea was no well received amongst the masses WHICH leaves me with 27 days (despite my brainstorming since May) to come up with a kick ass halloween costume. Mr. Darcy and I have yet to top our Stephen King's Carrie (complete with prom date Tommy) of 2002 in Salem, Mass. [picture of that can be seen on the wedding website we sent out in the "about us" section].

The idea of going as Princess Vespa and Lonestar from [obviously] Spaceballs was our leading candidate for costume but Mr. Darcy pointed out we could be mistaken as wanting to be Star Wars people and we can't risk that.

Now my friend, Other Jenn, in her objection statement to the carnies idea that her idea of a halloween costume is lingerie and animal ears. I only 80% disagree with that on the grounds of unoriginality. If you can work it so it's cool- rock on- otherwise it's F-ING COLD IN LATE OCTOBER and I don't want drunk frat boys ruining my halloween fun with their lame come ons. But that said I have been super girl, a french maid, and other scantily clad things through the years. More lately though I have been enjoy all things undead. Let me tell you- it sucks to be nearly albino 364 days of the year but put a little concealer over my lips on Halloween and I scare people.

But in the spirit of goodness I will give you all suggestions for what you should be first:

Scarlett:

1. Olivia Newton John from Xanadu (glitter eye make up and spandex) - or -
   
2. Paula Abdul (bra that misforms your cleavage and you must be shitty drunk. my other idea with this is Mr Scarlett (i suppose this means, Rhett) can be Simon Cowell and likewise be shitty drunk and he can insult people all night)

Popadopolous:

1. You shall be Posh, Mr. Popadapolous shall be Becks. You can wear something short and show off those legs, overpaint your lips and speak with an accent all night. He will wear a football jersey and scowl.
   

Margeaux:

1. I'm thinking Maid Marion just because it would fun to see you try to talk Mr. Margeaux into wearing tights to be Robin Hood
2. Or the creepy robot girl from Small Wonder because i'm sure you've already done the Punky Brewster thing.
   

Clementine:

1. A Playboy bunny (in a plucky Bridget Jones sort of way not a trampy whatever-the-actual playboy-bunny-show-is-on-VH1 way). And chances are you wouldn't have to pay for a single drink all night.
   

So there you have it. You are all set for Halloween now. Use your energies to think of something good for me.

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File this under: You Can't Make This Up

-Scarlett

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Update on chair:

Yeah, take that giant corporate retailer. Eat crow! Thanks to the power of bad mouthing on the internet and the completion of an online survey which allowed me the opportunity to vent, the West Elm customer service department left a voice mail apologizing. They were unable to locate a chair for me, but they would like to help me with my order. I will keep you abreast of further developments.

Margeaux, how was your first day on the job?

Wentworth...yes thats his real name

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so if this movie attaches you will about where my humor/insanity lie. i found this on a friend of mine's myspace page not too long ago and at first was like "dude what the hell?" to the point now where i wait until Mr. Darcy just about falls asleep and start chanting parts of it and laughing hysterically. funtimes. this is why we don't have guests over often as well. at the wedding you'll have to ask the best man about his times living with us only one wall away. he says therapy has helped but he still hears the demonic voices. now you may be asking yourself- demonic voice- the future mrs. darcy try as you might your voice does not go that low. well, smartass, you are correct BUT what i used to do was set my computer up to speak and leave my IM on so when people messaged me you would hear crazy computer voice when you thought no one was in the house. ahh memories.

EDITED TO ADD: oh of course! the reason i decided to share this with you all is that when popodopalous said she was having sex filled REM romps with Wentworth and Lincoln B all i could think of was Lincoln- as in Abraham- he who freed the slaves and all. ESPECIALLY since there are those "your dreams miss you" with Lincoln (complete with hat) and a groundhog in the kitchen playing cards so I just thought pop put herself in there and got freaky which is ... really disturbing. Anyway the i realized-- hm isn't there a Lincoln on Prison Break but i never really got that much into the show despite it's KEY time before 24. But i still may be crazy because Wentworth kind of sounds like either a butler name and is pretty damn close to LEAVENWORTH which as well all know is a prison in Kansas hence the prison thought....

ok i'll stop now.

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Laguna

I am contemplating with the idea of emailing FNB. Tomorrow though. Late afternoon. I'm sure all the "Rules" girls would disagree, but as The Future Mrs. Darcy reminded me last week, it's not 1952.
I will work on some sample emails tomorrow.

I've also decided that Lo and FNB, and all their friends are like the DC version of Laguna Beach. So with that in mind, I decided to see who I am most like from Laguna.

Results:
You're LC!
There's a fine line between lovesick and stalker and you're walking it, girlie! No matter what you do, you just can't seem to shake that one guy who's got every corner of your heart. You give so much of yourself just trying to snag a minute of his attention that you tend to lose sight of what's important to you. Take a breather from obsessing over him, read a chapter of He's Just Not That Into You, and hit the beach with a bunch of your friends. Your closest pals are always the best medicine for heartache!

That is just sad.

Maybe I should email FNB this quiz to see who he is....this may be insightful.
Clem