3 o'clock candy

Thursday, November 30, 2006

So I printed out the last week and a half's worth of blog entries to read with me on the way home but I need to share a not so quick antecdote from my giant department meeting today.

This is the first giant department meeting held by my super super boss. He starts off by introducing new people in no real order but is sharing little stories about everyone and laugh about how hard everyone's name is and I think I've only met him twice so I'm sitting there like -- oh this is going to be horrible. BUT lo-and-behold he finishes up and moves on to a new topic so - sweet - flew in under the radar. Or so I thought until I hear my boss and super boss behind me pipe up- "You forgot Kristen!" then 2 other bosses in different departments are you like "You forgot so and so too". So super super boss is like "Oh- I"m so sorry" and shuffles through his cards and starts to talk about Omar and then gives up and is like "well I'll just have you say some things about yourself-- Omar stand up" so as you can see things are now running wildly out of control. So Omar gets up and says some nice things and then he turns to me and is like "Here you can talk with the microphone"

Let me now say firmly that I should never be given a microphone even when sober and especially if I was unaware I will be talking in front of my entire department.

SO I get the microphone and I am pretty sure my speech went like this:

"Hi my name is XXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXX. It's a long one too but will be getting shorter soon. I'm getting married soon. Next year. I'll be going from 10 letters to 3. It's soon gonna be Cox! Yeah but I feel like I have turrets when I say it loud. [insert shocked laughter from the crowd] Yeah... Umm I'm from upstate new york. [I put down the microphone] I probably don't need - I'm pretty loud - I used to do theatre in high school. Ummm I worked at [insert company we used to work at]. Oh and I'm a production graphic designer here. Umm so I worked at [insert company we used to work at] and have basically been following K.T. Around the DC area in design jobs. Umm great. Thanks"

Needless to say since this meeting that ended at 2 every time I've gotten up I've run into someone who is like "I liked your speech, ha ha"

I wanted to share with all of my friends at 3 o'clock candy exactly what ME bought to wear in Mexico. He bought himself some boardshorts but they do not come with any sort of support for his manly parts. So, feeling that he needed to be secure at all times, he has purchased the lovely, speedo boyshorts pictured at left. He has been prancing about the house in these which while disturbing has also been highly amusing. He insisted on wearing them last night as we packed which made me a little apprehensive to go on this trip with him. Please keep in mind he has never met the bride or groom and with the exception of my mom and brother, has only met the rest of my family members once. This should be interesting! I'm sure I will have some fun stories and pictures to share upon our return next week.


So I went to the University Bookstore to purchase a magazine and easy read for the trip to Mexico tomorrow. What I ended up with is a book titled "I hope they serve beer in hell." If you have never heard of this book, which I had not, let me share with you here the brief description on the back of the book.

"My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole. I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the conesquences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and jsut generally act like a raging dickhead. But, I do contribute to humanity in one very important way: I share my adventures with the world."

Now, let me say that while I believe he will likely be a repulsive and vile human being, as other readers have in fact called him, I believe he has a right to share his experiences. He makes no pretense that he is a good guy. He refers to himself immediately as both an asshole and a dickhead and to be honest, I think I am going to enjoy reading his book. It's kind of a guilty pleasure I think.

I just read one of the stories on his web site www.tuckermax.com and while I agree with him, he is an absolute ass, I have to also ask how dumb these girls are to date someone like this. The girls he has dated are pretty little blondes who obviously have no self respect and no brains. Do I think they deserve this treatment and do I condone his actions - not at all - but how dumb do you have to be to put up with this shit? I promise to read his book and try to not pass too much judgement of either the girls or him because I think they are all complete morons! On that note, check out his site and decide for yourself what you think of him.


I've been awake since my previous blog entry. I'm beginning to think my lack of sleep is making me a little coo coo for cocoa cocoa puffs, if you know what I mean. It's raining, I'm bored & tired so I thought what better way to pass the day then to discover which celebrity I most resemble. I used the face recognition software recommended by TFMD about a bazillion times to ensure some validity. Here are the results...

Who I most resemble:

Christina Applegate of Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, "I'm right on top of that Rose!"

Lacey Chabert, the girl from Mean Girls who trys to bring the phrase "so fetch" into the high school lexicon.

Janeane Garofalo from Reality Bites, "Evian spelled backwards is naive"

Nikki Cox of who knows what fame

File Under "If you say so" category:

Liza Minelli

Jared Leto - What? I think I look more like Claire Danes than my ex-boyfriend Jared, but whatevs! I have discussed him ad naseum on this blog so you'll hear no more on the guyliner debate.

Rhett and I must be a brother/sister couple afterall. We both share Greta Garbo as a celeb look-a-like. I don't see it, but computers never lie.


OOOPS! My bad, I realize now that I compromised the anonymity of this here blog on Snuffaluffacis' MySpace page. Won't happen again!

Speaking of Snuffaluffacis, I think we should extend the scope of this blog to include the male perspective, and whose perspective is better than his? His dry Irish wit may be just the thing 3 o'clock candy needs. Of course, it will have to be put to a vote and unlike Clem's Love Life Committee where Margeaux is banned for life for dissenting from the chair's advice, Margeaux's vote will count, albeit the 3/5 rule applies. Just kidding Margeaux!

Tonight was the inaugural meeting of the Mid-Week Drinking Club, currently comprised of me, Rhett and the previously mentioned "town cryer." We're accepting applications for membership. I feel it necessary in the spirit of honesty to admit that I'm drinking entirely too much these days. I believe my alcohol consumption may be at the root or at least contributing to my inability to sleep properly. It has also lead to an unhealthy habit of late night Steak-N-Shake runs, which make it difficult to lose weight despite my regular practice of calorie burning yardwork.

Oh, it's also note worthy to mention my new MySpace acquaintance is The Future Mrs. Darcy's little 14 year old sister, but not in a "To Catch A Predator" sorta way, but in a "let's guide the future generation to good music" sorta way. It seems that she credits me for introducing TFMD to the band Enon. She also likes the bands The Shins & The Ravonettes, whose album I've been revisiting this week. Such a smart girl. She has restored my faith in this younger generation's ability to recognize good music.


Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Today was Turkey Tuesday aka Friends Thanksgiving with Mr. Belding, Mr. Belding's Baby Mama and Liam, the smartest baby in the whole western world. If you judge the success of a dinner party by the number of dishes in my sink, then it was a hit! You may note the time of this here blog entry, yes it's 3 in the A.M. So, I had a bottle of Chardonnay, which as we discussed tonight at dinner, hinders one's ability to reach R.E.M. sleep, hence the 3 A.M. blogging. It was a really good bottle so I suppose it was worth a crappy night's sleep.

Let's see.....what interesting things do I mention....oh, I told Ms. Sarah how I mamed a bunch of worms in the garden, but she thought I said "named" a bunch of worms and all hilarity ensued. And this is Smiley....and this one is Mr. Wiggles...this one is Mr. Zachariah Invertebrae Sr...and this one is Thomas...

okay....other interesting things....OH! Perhaps you'd like to know what was served at this fake Thanksgiving dinner? I made:
  • homemade cranberry sauce for the first time ever and I must say this will be the only cranberry sauce served from here on out. It has got to be the simplest dish ever made more convenient by canning.
  • roasted carrots with maple butter...yummers!
  • mashed tators....mmmm starch
  • Stove Top stuffing...I don't care what ya'll say that is the best shit!
  • roasted turkey with thyme....despite my low expectations, this was perfectly moist if I do say so myself.
That's all I got! I'm going back to bed.


Tuesday, November 28, 2006

In case it wasn't clear the first time, I absolutely despise Cox Communications. First, my DVR box broke while Scarlett was in town. Now, just a meer (is that spelled right?) three weeks later it is broken again. After talking to two customer service reps and the supervisor, someone is coming tonight between 7-9 to fix the dumb thing. Tomorrow we shall call and bitch until we get a full month of cable services free.

Typically Cox says their last appointment time is 5-7. However, I couldn't make that time and since I bitched enough, they are "making an exception" to which I want to say "kiss my ass." Now, the reason I couldn't make the 5-7 time is because I was getting my first ever bikini wax. I promise not to go into too many details because 1) that would be just plain awkward and 2)I feel Scarlett may think of it as potty talk. So, let me say these few things. 1) I strongly believe they should dim the lights in the room. I realize that she needs to see what she is doing but meanwhile I'm staring up and being blinded by the lights as I try to avoid looking at the woman coating my nether-regions with hot wax. 2) the hot wax doesn't hurt that bad but the ripping hurts like hell. Just when I thought she was almost done and that it couldn't possibly continue, it did. 3) As Popodop informed me, yes, you get to wear underwear. However, the underwear is useless and does nothing to provide any sort of real coverage or level of modesty. 4) It's amazing how long the pain will last afterward. It's not true torture but just discomfort. 5) All in all, it wasn't so bad. I do feel that I could do this again however, never in a million years would I even dream of a brazilian or going for the pre-pubescent 11 year old look - that my friends would hurt like a mo fo. So, if you have ever considered a bikini wax, I say go for it, it's not nearly as painful as you think it will be - however, a shot (or three) of your favorite liquor before hand might make it slightly less uncomfortable.

On that note - be strong my friends!

P.S. TFMD, are you out there? Did you find yourself a wedding dress??? Inquiring minds want to know!

Rules of Drunk Dialing as forwarded by Emily. (slightly narrated by me in parantheses)

1. Only drunk dial when you are drunk. Everything else is false
.It is okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't remember
it, it didn't happen. (too bad that your call log remembers)
.If you are going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex. "Mom I'm in McDonald's and they're playing our song. I love you" (Do not attempt big words as they are much easiert to slur)
.Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn't want to hear your best raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to bend them over something.
.Voicemails are always better. This way your friend can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, even weeks to come.
6.Drunk texting is alright... If you are prepared to read what you wrote the
next day when you are sober. (See #2)
.It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they've ever had and everything they know, they learned from you. This way you can sleep well at night. (Unless you are married then not recommneded)
.You can also call this same ex and let him/her know, that you know, that he/she still loves you. Then explain to him/her that I would still love me too! (Again, not for the married folk)
.If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.
.It is always a good idea to sing on someone's answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune. (OR A 5 MIN. FREESTYLE RAP IS ALWAYS GOOD TOO)
.Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted or dirty and sex crazed...Never angry.
.Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They are usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that "you have a problem".
.If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.
.Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is bad and usually leads to angry dialing.
.If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never
borrow a friend's phone to do your dialing.
. Drunk dialing to a foreign country is usually too costly to be a good idea. But if you feel like if you don't call this person you'll just die, break rule 15 and use a friend's phone. (I once called Russia for 17 minutes on my dad's calling card, we had a laugh about that one since I only know niet and dasviedanya (hooked on phonics) and couldn't possibly have been drunk enough to say that for 17 minutes)
.Drunk dialing may lead to drunk muffin stuffing.... Be prepared. ( I can only assume that means eating food...)
.When dialing remember that "hanging out" at 3 in the A.M. usually doesn't involve cards it's probably going to be more like cheap lube and handcuffs.
So be prepared when you really do want to play X-box when your drunk....."you want me to do what with your box? Play with it?"
.Don't drunk dial in the pool, tub, or rainstorm. It only ends up with you blow drying your phone when youre far too drunk to be using electronics and you wont be able to drunk dial anymore that night.
.Never, I repeat, never drunk dial your boss, preacher-grandpa, or friend's parents. If you are that hard up to call someone, there is an 800 number on Budweiser boxes. The person on the other line always sounds cute, plus I think they are used to drunk dialers. (1-800-DIRECTV works too)


My milk shake brings more boys to the yard- my milk shake is better than yours...

Monday, November 27, 2006

So today being Cyber Monday, a big Christmas online shopping day, I've been thinking about what I want for Christmas. I've also been pondering the annual dilemna, do I buy Rhett what he asked for, knowing even before he writes his list that it will be a video game, a video game that will surely mean hours and hours of solitary play, wait....just what am I complaining about? If, by his solitary play, I get to watch VH-1's Best Week Ever or All Access "Hottest Celebrities" or Behind the Music: Nick Lechey for the 7th time this week without his self-righteous mocking of celebrity worship, then Amazon...here is my credit card number - deliver it by Christmas.

Just jokes!!

Rhett, I know you're reading this. I will not be revealing your gift on this forum. I will be pulling your trick - that is refusing to buy anything previously asked for as a way of keeping a surprise. Now people, I've got to give Rhett props where props are due, he is excellent at choosing gifts. But, this year I asked for bright yellow garden clogs because I really, really need & want them. They are not only cute, but practical. You simply slip the shoes off at the door and that way mud and poo isn't tracked all over the clean kitchen floor that I just swept & mopped. I put it on my list so I know Rhett won't be giving them to me. Let's be real, if they are not in my stocking or under the tree come Dec. 25th, I'll be buying them for myself on Dec. 26th, so honestly, you may as well wrap those puppies up!

Ever year we provide Rhett's mom with our lists. This is what we put-

My list:

Books (note, all titles from the list of 1001 books you must read before you die) -
Kafka on the Shore – Haruki Murakami
The Corrections – Jonathan Franzen
Life of Pi – Yann Martel
The English Patient – Michael Ondaatje*
*One of my favorite movies EVER!
Like Water for Chocolate – Laura Esquivel
The Picture of Dorian Gray – Oscar Wilde
Northanger Abbey – Jane Austen

Shoes from Urban Outfitters -
Dolce Vita Knot Peep Toe Wedge size 7/Red $49.99
Seychelles Floral Pump size 7/whiskey $59.99
Puma Lab 2 size 7/ olive & turquoise $70

Kitchen -
simple white serving pieces with clean lines
Remote Thermometer
Non-metal mixing bowls
New food processing component for my existing base $30

Misc -
Gardening Knee Pads
Black Pots for plants
and of course iTunes gift cards for my crack habit

Rhett's list:

Games Stuff
Cranium – a board game
Neverwinter Nights 2 (make sure PC version)
Balderdash – a board game
Ingenious – a board game
The Settlers of Catan – a board game

Bottle of Maker’s Mark or Knob Creek bourbon

Logitech G11 gaming keyboard

Gift certificate to Amazon or Barnes & Noble

A Do It Yourself home repair book. Home Depot has a good one and I’m sure there’s others out there that are good too.

Leather wallet (good idea, since his is currently held together by masking tape)


French press for coffee (never mind that we own a coffee maker and an espresso maker, he is a coffee afficiando afterall)

Digital probe meat thermometer (an example: http://www.cooking.com/products/shprodde.asp?SKU=101264)

What is everyone else asking Santa to bring them?

Shit - totally forget to steal the whole "homeless fish" topic and logo from Popodop!

Can't blog right now, as I have some weeds to pick in the backyard.


I leave for Mexico on Friday and I am sick. This really sucks! Luckily for me I had a prescription for Zythromax sitting around my apartment from when I had bronchitis last month. Got that puppy filled yesterday and have been consuming lots of chicken noodle soup and orange juice. I’m determined to get better.

Got a manicure and pedicure yesterday in preparation for the trip. I also got my eyebrows waxed. It had been a while since I’d had an eyebrow wax and while they aren’t torture, they aren’t exactly fun either. The reason I am talking about waxing and the level of pain is because tomorrow I am getting my first ever bikini wax. I am absolutely terrified. Again, getting my eyebrows waxed isn’t torture but it’s not without its share of pain. What the hell possessed me to make an appointment to get a bikini wax? I don’t really know what to expect and this is causing me to become even more freaked out. I know there will be hot wax WAY to close to my girly part and of course ripping the hot was off will also be a necessary part of the process but more importantly - will I be able to wear underwear of any kind? I’ve gotten used to the awkwardness of going to the gynecologist but this is totally new and SO awkward. I am planning to take a few ibuprofen before hand for the pain – and perhaps a quick stop at Rio Grande for a shot of tequila to take the edge off too. If anyone has any advice I’m happy to hear it b/c I have no clue what to expect.

To be continued….

I know I haven't really blogged about boys lately...and it's getting hard to remember who knows what anymore.
I'm not sure where I left off officially so I will give you a brief run-down of the latest happenings.

Looking back it seems that I haven't really blogged about Cam since Halloween. But I will spare you some stories, because I know I told you already.

So overall, things are going well I think.

Two weeks ago, Petra had her b-day party at her fav bar. Since I was a designated shot taker, I somehow got drunk. Cam was out of town for work that weekend and was supposed to return Sun. This didn't stop me from drunk dialing him at 2:30am. He actually picked up. Now I can't tell you what we talked about for 20 mins because I don't really know. I do know I told him: I wished he was there, I missed him, and he should come back earlier.
Yeah that was slightly embarrassing. But he did take my advice and came back Saturday night rather than Sunday. He came over after he went out, I was home sick. He was a slightly inebriated, so we had a nice conversation. This time he was the one saying: I missed you, I liked you, etc.
So we were even!

Last week was short since it was Thanksgiving. I went out last Tuesday for a "I don't have to work" happy hour. Cam met us out, which was good. Petra was a wee bit drunk and kept referring to Sunday morning when Cam was over. Some people obviously know that we are hanging out, but some don't. So I kept on telling Petra to shut it about Sunday morning. Anyway we left, and here is the conversation the next morning:
Me-"So you think I am justified in being upset with Petra"
Cam- "Yes, I even said something to her"
Me- "Ok, but somehow I know I will be the one apologizing"
Cam-"Well just turn it back on her"
Cam-"Well ask her if she was quasi-seeing someone blah blah"
The other parts don't matter. But I am assuming we have moved from hanging out to quasi seeing each other. Is this a good thing?

Anyway Cam seemed upset that morning. And of course because I am neurotic I assume the worst- I must have done or said something wrong/bad. He assured me he just isn't a morning person. I guess that is believable considering we had this talk at 7:30am after a night of drinking and going to bed after 1.

I talked to him briefly Wednesday afternoon, and told him I'd call when I was back in town. So after that, I definitely felt like it was bad, because we talk/email almost everyday. I know what you are thinking, I just need to relax. But after I sent him a text on Thanksgiving, and didn't hear back I was sure that the short living "hanging out" was over. Kinda made me sad. But I was feeling better when I saw a missed (drunk ) call from him Friday night.

On Saturday Cam had his friend ,K, call his girlfriend to call me to tell me to go out and that Cam didn't have his phone. So we ended up meeting up. Again, spent most of Sunday together, saw Cirque and had dinner.

He is out of town until Tuesday, and leaves again Friday. So that's where things stand now. I am trying really hard to just take it easy and play it by ear.

I will try to keep you updated on further developments.


Happy belated Thanksgiving! Nice to hear the stories and escapdes, although what's up with people saying "biggest party day of the year" and "oh I got drunk last night"? I really don't know what you all are talking about, and I am one ofthe top 4 lushes on this blog... Well the mo-lo (mother-in-law - seriously falling off my chair laughing realizing that rhymes with mo-fo) heads back to Ireland today. We had a nice visit for her week here. Started my knitting again, and damn I am getting better. Future Mrs Darcy you'd better watch out.

I realized that there are things to be learned from our elders, most of it this trip though, is how i don't want to be when i get older.

1. I don't want to complain about EVERYTHING.

2. If i cannot sleep for more than two nights in a row, i will take a sleeping pill and get a restful night sleep. I will not bitch about how i lay awake since 3am and was so bored and didn't want to get up for fear of waking others.

3. I will not ask both my sons where to go in an airport I've never been and then take the advice of the favoured one, instead of the one who travels every month and the COMPLAIN about being lost to the son who gave the right directions.

4. I will not give my daughter-in-law silly as stuffed animals that happen to have the name Floozy.

5. I will not choose not to say thank-you 5 nights in a row for a home cooked meal.

6. I will realize that perhaps I don't know my son better than his wife. Just becasue you gave birth and raised him until he was 15, doesn't mean you know the man he has become in the last 19 years. And if I have this rallization, I hope that I will get to know him better as the man he has become.

Ok, so enough about that.

Some gossip.

So my married co-worker who had an affair with my someone I know, her husband called on Thanksgiving leaving two irate messages, saying I needed to call him to find out the whole truth. Just got off the phone with her and she has left him, but according to her not becasue of this affair, oh and technically they didn't sleep together. So now I am jumping everytime the phone rings hoping it's not him. What a mess. A mess in which I don't deserve to be in the middle.

Happy News.

Sister in law (older brother) is preggers again with number 3. They are happy. Me too, but thank goodness the psychic said I was having twins. Playing catch up will be easier - haha.

Other office news.

Who are all these people? I realize I haven't been in the office in weeks, but almost an entire new staff... What's up?

Homeless Fish news.

Gizmo Lazerus is doing well, readjusting to the dim lighting in my office as someone else was taking care of him whilst I was away. He has forgotten all his tricks, so may spend they afternoon working on the somersault that he had almost perfected. Still waiting on logo...

I can't not tell you how happy I am to be back.

So Petra and I left for good ole Jersey on Wed morning. First stop, McD's to get some delicious sweet tea and a not so yummy egg McMuffin. Roughly four hours later, we are in the Garden State. We called my Dad on the way in and told him to meet us for lunch.
Surprise #1: My dad tells us that he has decided that he wants to lose weight and look 10 years younger. If that means a little nip/tuck here or there, than that's what he will do. This is a strange conversation to have with your dad. Especially when he says things like "If I go out with you girls (Petra and I), I want people to say 'Who is your new friend?' "
I stayed in on the biggest party night of the year. Lame, I know.
Surprise #2: Time for bed. Just to preface this, for the last I don't know 20 yrs of their marriage it's safe to say my parents really didn't get along. But I think the whole "stay together for the kids" theory applied to their marriage. It should also be noted that my parent's house is tiny. Three bedrooms- my parent's, my brother's, and a guest. So Petra and I get to share a room. Now, for the disturbing surprise. I'm about to fall asleep and than I hear it. Yes- a slurping sucking face noise. Petra has also heard it.
That's right kids, my parents were making out. So so so so gross. We both made so comments about how we should sleep in the car, and were laughing while be grossed out. I think my parents got the hint because it all stopped. I don't think I will ever be the same.

Turkey Day was ok...I think it's the same in almost everyone's house. Some relatives are annoying as all hell, and so they drive you to drink. Somehow my Dad thought it should be a "dry" Thanksgiving. Yeah that didn't happen, sorry Pops! No real drama to report though.

Black Friday and I did no shopping. I think this is even worse than not going out Wed. night. And not that I really did mind, but it was just Petra and I. My parents and brother were all out running errands or doing whatever they did. To make matters worse, my Dad took my car because something was wrong with it. So finally around 5 when everyone was home again, we decided to go out to eat. I had one beer. This was not enough for what was about to happen later.
Surprise #3: We get back home and are just hanging out. My parents decide to take a trip down memory lane. Normally, this is ok..."When I was in high school, my friends and I blah blah blah". This trip however, was Rated R. I mean they were talking about dating, hooking up, etc. Not cool. Not cool at all. I will spare you the details. Believe me you should thank me.

Saturday couldn't have come soon enough for me. We packed up, said our goodbyes, and got the hell out of there.

It's not that I don't love my family, because I do. But four days is all I can take I think.
And it's great my parents are finally getting along, even thought they have the most messed up relationship of all time, but is it too much to ask that they just chill with the PDAs?

I think when I go home for Christmas I will consume more alcohol.

Hoping everyone had a good Thanksgiving :-)


Sunday, November 26, 2006

Just returned from a Spinal Tap viewing...If you'll indulge me I'd like to quote a line from the movie:

"It's like how much more black could this be? The answer none, none more black."


Saturday, November 25, 2006

OOOPS! Don't remember doing the drunk blog, but I do remember the following observations from the townie bars:

1. (From the first bar) The band really loved John Cougar Mellencamp, and really, who doesn't? You may ask, didn't John Cougar Mellencamp drop the "Cougar" from his name? Yes, but all the songs the band covered were from back in the "Cougar" days.

2. The median age of patrons at the first bar is CONSIDERABLY older than most D.C. bars.

3. Blue Moon is on tap, but seriously undiscovered by many locals. When I bellied up to the bar to order 3 ice cold mugs, this random guy asked me what my drinks were. I told him Blue Moon to which he needed further clarification. He asked "Is that beer?" I then elaborated, "yes, it's a Belgian White Ale which is served with an orange." Then I said, "It's kinda similar to a hefeweizen" at which point I lost him. I could tell I went too far by the glazed look in his eye. A simple yes would have sufficed. Dude, just stick to your Budweiser bottle.

4. I actually saw a very pregnant waitress smoking. Don't even get me started on this.

5. All the beautiful people hang out at the second bar, not the first. Though, the beautiful people bar offered less comical observations, with this one exception. We were waited on by a waitress friends dubbed Flapjacks. Flapjacks once showed one very old and saggy breast to my friends. My question: why just one breast? They said one was enough.

Til I have more

Totes drunk while I write this, went to the townie bar. Had a blast. Went to second townie bar where I sang at the piano bar. YAY!!!! FUN!!!


Thursday, November 23, 2006

It’s Thanksgiving and I have a black eye. The two are not connected and the black eye is not due to any knock down, drag out fights with my brother. Sadly, I think I simply rolled over into ME’s elbow during the night. Or, perhaps in the middle of yet another completely f-ed up dream I punched myself. Seriously, the dreams have been wacky lately. I dreamt I was being chased by the former President Bush and Barbara a few nights ago. Last night there were commandos storming the downtown of my hometown and I remember telling my friends to use the island in the kitchen for protection. I don't know who's kitchen it was or how the island was going to provide protection but it was a dream so who cares. I think the cause of these insane dreams has got to be the Zyrtec or the Singulair. Either way, I have a black eye and it hurts like a bitch.

As for my Thanksgiving, it was simply there. Nothing exciting and nothing bad. All in all it was actually pretty boring. We pretty much sat around and oohed and aahed over JWF, the nephew. ME even held JWF for the first time which for me was probably the most exciting thing to happen all day. I suppose I shouldn’t complain – it could have been a lot worse.

As for the things I am thankful for, they are….

Drugs such as Zyrtec and Singulair…they may give me wacked dreams but they make George bearable;
Having found someone crazy enough to actually agree to spend the rest of his life with me;
Getting my wedding invitations printed for free (one less thing to pay for);
Not living in North Dakota (sorry ME);
Having a new job I actually enjoy;
The Nine West outlet in Old Town;
Online shopping;
My wonderful friends and family who allow me to always be me;
Mac cover up which will hopefully cover up my black eye tomorrow;
and having 12 days off of work at Christmas

I hope all my 3 o’clock candy friends are having a great Thanksgiving.

Completely stuffed,

Here at Ma & Pa Butler's house for Thanksgiving, I'm hiding out, I mean "checking my email" in the office, while the dishes are cleaned. I thought I'd make a quick note of some of the things that I'm thankful for. Here they are in no particular order:

  • Rhett
  • my house
  • appliances with a "delay" function which prevent me from using too much electricity which lead to brown outs. (Hey, it's an old house originally built lacking electricity!)
  • Petsmart - for cleaning my smelly dog Jody
  • my iMac & iPod
  • Mac make-up for creating a light yet highly pigmented lip colour
  • American Eagle for making short length jeans that perfectly fit my 28 inch inseam
  • Mickey, the greatest hairdresser next to my own mother, who cuts, highlights, waxes & dispenses advise with the wisdom and concern of a parent
  • the maker of frozen toasted ravioli
  • Chi for making a silk infusion hair product to which I am addicted
  • Mr. Belding, Mr. Belding's Baby Momma (soon to be renamed) & Mr. Belding & Mr. Belding's Baby Momma's baby, whose pirate name has since been forgotten - for all the laughter
  • Origins for creating Nite-amins which smells like orange tic tacs
Well, I suppose I should rejoin the holiday festivities....Enjoy your family & friends today! Margeaux try not to kill any relatives - just drink, it helps!

Appreciately Yours,

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

It's a Thanksgiving miracle, Charlie Brown!

Since I've basically turned this blog into my personal therapist's couch, let's just continue on that path to it's natural conclusion. After I posted on Nov. 20th, an email dialoge occured b/t me and TMK. I eventually invited her to read the blog, even though it was written for me and I had no intention of sharing it, well except with ALL the loyal readers of 3 o'clock candy (which I hear is a growing population! - we are so clever!) Anyway, she responded with a post on her personal blog. Here is an excerpt:


There are times when I scoff at the MySpace phenomenon. There are also days, like today, that I receive something from a friend that moves me and makes me feel loved. There are a few people that this site has brought back into my life that I can say with absolute certainty would not have happened previously. I am thankful for that.

Yesterday I received a friend request from one of my first friends as a pre-pubescent, silly young girl. It was followed by an email briefing me on her life and asking about mine. Several emails passed back and forth and she welcomed me to read a blog that she had posted on another site. Let me just say that I was so touched by her words. I was taken back to that time. I read these words with tears streaming down my face because I never knew. This is what she said...

[see Nov. 20th below]

I don't know how to properly convey to her just how much her words meant to me. I only know fragments of the insecure girl that she speaks of. I remember all of those times and many, many more. I remember not hating her humming, but wishing that I could sing like her. I do remember hating my nappy hair because I wanted her straight strawberry locks. I remember the numerous nights spent pranking boys from my bedroom. I remember begging my mom for two twin beds in my room so that my friend would have a permanent space in my house. My mom loved her too and it was done. I remember strategizing in her mom's apartment on how to cut and tatter our jeans just right so that they looked like we bought them at Contempo Casuals. I remember her teaching me about make-up and how to properly apply lip liner and gloss. I remember being amazed that she couldn't ride a bike. I also remember telling her it was simple and then watching her arms and legs flail as she crashed into the side of a house on
Jungerman Rd. I remember driving my old baby blue Camry and singing Garth Brooks, "Aint Going Down Till the Sun Comes Up." She would make me sing all of the words really fast and when he sang, "you better get your red head back in bed before the morning," she would tousle her hair and we would jump around and dance. I remember being jealous of her fashion sense and her mom's yellow Storm. I remember walking to Rebecca Stratman's 14th birthday party with her and us both being scared to go inside. I remember her being so mature. I didn't realize at that time that she had to be. She was more of a grown-up at 15 than I am at 28.

College was the demise of our friendship. I would think of her often, but selfishly never did anything about it. I was an asshole. Or, just a more damaged version of that insecure girl. Beer and a jack-ass boyfriend were on the top of my priority list. I have since lost the boyfriend (however beer is still in my top 5). Anyway, the bottom line is that I was a jerk. I knew she didn't fully approve of my extracurricular activities so I dismissed her from my life. I regret that fully.

I now rejoice at our second chance. Now, not as young girls, but women. It is amazing how life works out.


My reaction to her words are hard to describe. First, I never thought of her as an asshole, we simply grew apart which often occurs during the teen years. As teenagers we strike out on our own and reject anything reminding us of when we were silly little girls. It's only as adults that we embrace that fragment of a little girl still inside us.

When I count the number of casual acquaintences & friends who strolled in & out of my life, I am struck by my own apathy. That party that TMK attended in 2002 was full of people whom I never speak with anymore, do I care? Not really, if I'm honest, they were no more than drinking buddies attending b/c we always served kegs of really good beer! Then there are the friends of whom I've stood up for in weddings. I have been two weddings where I no longer speak to the bride or groom. When their kids look at there wedding albums, they'll say "oh, that was so and so, but we've lost touch." Anyway, TMK, losing your friendship was felt more deeply than any other person whose number I lost or whose email to which I was too busy to reply. Maybe it's that 'ol Thanksgiving magic that we have this second chance to connect, this time as adults. I vow not to be judgemental this time. I have learned that you must accept the people you love unconditionally.

Since college I've developed friendships at an arm's length, never letting people too close. That is until moving to DC, where I had the fortune of meeting the wonderful contributors of 3 o'clock candy. It's so unique to find people who just get you and who are not afraid to show they care in the most genuine of ways. I'll never forget the time The Future Mrs. Darby created for me, with her crafty ways, a Johnny Depp digital card. He was singing my theme song. Then of course there was finding a pink acoustic guitar on my desk chair in the office just b/c I'd always wanted to learn. Now, it would seem I only like these guys cause they like to give me stuff, which doesn't hurt their cause, but alas it's more than that. And if I haven't told them this week how important they are, then let me do that now. You're great, each of you are so different and yet the group dynamic is amazing. Lunch at CalTort are treasured memories.

If you'll indulge me I'd like to sing a song from Babs, ugh umm, meee meee meee

People--people who need people
Are the luckiest people in the world,
We're children, needing other children

And yet letting our grown-up pride
Hide all the need inside,
Acting more like children
Than children.

And Scene!
- Scarlett

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

I love working on a college campus. College students make me laugh and annoy me at the same time. First, the make me laugh part. The way they dress! I look at the way they dress and the things they wear to class and I feel old. Old because I laugh at them and think to myself “are you kidding” and old because I know it wasn’t so long ago that I was in college myself. I don’t understand the point of the miniskirt paired with the Ugg boots. I don’t understand the teeny tiny boy shorts and the puffy down jacket. What is the logic? As I walk through campus I often expect to see Clinton and Stacy from TLC’s What Not to Wear jump out from behind a bush and attack a student. I wonder if they look at me and judge me by what I wear also. Do they know that someday in the not too distance future they will be the ones wearing sweater sets and slacks to work?

Now the annoy me part, and I apologize in advance for my language but I am really irritated with people. Bitch, if I hold the door for you, the least you can do is say thank you! I am not the damn doorman – it is not my job to hold the door for you. And, if you see me two steps behind you, could you fucking hold the door for me? Sadly, this doesn’t just go for the college students – the faculty and staff do this as well. However, to the girl who just before was coming through the door into the stairwell as I was waiting to get out, could you not have held the damn door? You were only holding your soda with one hand so why couldn’t you hold the door with the other? I’m sure your mother would be very disappointed in you for being a rude little bitch. There, I’ve said my peace!

Lastly, and perhaps most important, I have to say that I am very happy to work for such a fine Governor as Tim Kaine. Thanks to Gov. Kaine, today is my last day of work for the week. I am lucky enough to have tomorrow off (along with Thurs. and Fri. but I feel those were a given). Between now and the end of the year, I will only work one full week. How great is that?! I leave for Mexico next Friday and won’t be back at work until the following Wednesday. The week after that I will work a full five days, but we also have our holiday party during the day one day so that knocks out a few hours. After that the wonderful Tim Kaine gave us Dec. 22 – Jan. 2 off of work. Honestly, I love this job! Sure, I could get piss drunk at my old company’s holiday party, share a cab home with the Senior VP and then email him and say thank you while drunk at midnight but this is so much better than that! I don’t think I’ll know how to work a full week once I come back in January. I think that’s why they throw MLK day in there. They know we haven’t worked a full work week in over a month so just to make it easier to get back in the groove, we’ll honor MLK in January and have yet another reason to take the day off of work. Genius!

Anywho, stay tuned for fun details of Thanksgiving with my family, getting pissed in Mexico and the nonalcoholic holiday party that is sure to be a blast. Let me preface by saying that the party has a theme (All That Jazz) and there will be costumes – including staff dressed as flappers and gents in Roaring Twenties style – because that’s appropriate for a work holiday party! I can’t wait!!

Hey, I can't carry the burden of this here blog all by my lonesome....Clearly I'm a bit emotional so unless you guys give me something funny to write about you're going to continue to read crap about how my Dad took my kitten under the cloak of darkness and dropped him off in the middle of Maplewood, MO, but spent years repeating the lie that the cat was given to my aunt. She, an unwilling accomplice, couldn't look me in my tear-stained face, so she told me that my kitten didn't like her cat, so she gave it to her friend, where it was living happily. It was only around college when the truth was revealed. My dad passed with this heartbreak of mine unresolved. Oh, boo hoo, poor little 'ol me. Seriously, someone had better lighten the mood really soon!


Monday, November 20, 2006


Thank you Clem & The Future Mrs. Darcy for peer pressuring me into the MySpace fad. I have just been in touch with my very best friend from the 6 grade - high school, we'll call her TMK.

I remember her in 6th grade math class. She wore her dad's Italian soccer sweatshirt often. She was neighbors with my first boyfriend. I never felt cool enough to be her friend. I remember walking from her grandparent's house to her parents house singing "smack it up, flip it, rub it down" lyrics to Bell Biv DeVo thinking we were totally mature, even though it would be years before either of us, were smacked up, flipped, or rubbed down. I remember her house as a refuge from mine. I wanted her parents to be mine and her siblings to be mine and her house to be mine. I spent so many nights at her house her parents probably thought I was homeless. I remember skating at GR8 SK8 with her doing figure spins in the center of the rink. I remember driving her nuts with my constant humming. She had more posters of NKOTB than I had. She hated her thick, curly hair. I loved it. I loved her.

During my freshman year of high school, I moved in with my Aunt, because my Mom's husband told me that I was the source of their marital problems. I left a comfortable school environment where I wasn't the coolest girl, but I wasn't beaten up either. I soon had to find new people to eat lunch with. TMK was my refuge on the weekends, but after a while I felt that I wasn't welcomed as eagerly. It was around this time when I met my future husband and his friends. I started spending more and more time with them on weekends. My Dad, to appease me, got an apartment back in my old school district. I spent my Junior & Senior years back with TMK. She would drive me to school with the windows rolled up to fishbowl the pot smoke. I felt she would soon burn out and ruin her future, but couldn't confront her b/c I was so desperate for her friendship. I now realize that I was judgemental and not able to allow teenagers to be teenagers because I was too busy being a grown-up. I became more and more independent as I started to drive, work all my weekends waitressing from 5 p.m. to 3 a.m. and date a college student. This is when we drifted apart. Graduation came and went.

I attended a private, liberal arts college in the city. She attended a small private college in our hometown. I tried to reach her a few times on the phone, but was unsuccessful, either our conversations were abrupt or calls weren't returned. I got the picture that life was taking us on different paths.

In 2002, I ran into her Mom. I was throwing a party that weekend and so I called TMK up and invited her. She came with some friends but I was so unsure of how or what to say so I drank too much and we never properly caught up. Now I have the opportunity to make that up to her. I want to tell her that she had nothing to feel insecure about, she was beautiful. In fact we were both beautiful at 12, 14, 17 because we were young. Because we were innocent. I want to tell her how much her friendship meant to me. My life was like an open book back then, I shared personal info about my home life that I wish I'd kept to myself, but she always supported me. That was more important than she knows.


Sunday, November 19, 2006

Okay, look people...If one more casual passerby approaches me while I rake leaves and suggests that I do their yard next....I will literally start throwing my previously mentioned garden accoutrements at their heads. Do they not realize that I have over 7000 square feet of yard to rake, weed and feed? 3000 square feet into the yard and I lose all sense of humor.

Aggressively Yours,

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Additional Marital Advice From Scarlett

-Never let date nights slip away! We often go out to eat on Friday nights, but Rhett/Dwight really made it special last night. You may want to sit down if you're currently standing for you're about to be in for the shock of your life....Not only did he put on my favorite shirt of his (a slim fitting white button down from his least favorite store in the whole wide world of retail, Express for Men) BUT he was wearing cologne - mind you this is the smallest bottle of Gap cologne that I was able to purchase in 2003 and yes it's been used all of 2 times, both times under much coercion. This time the idea to wear cologne was entirely his! Shock of all shocks!!!!

Which brings me to my second bit of marital advice.

-Whenever you can, travel sans husband for a week. You will be showered with attention upon your return.

Blissfully Yours,

Friday, November 17, 2006

Damn you Marc Jacobs, damn you to hell!

I know, thems fighting words, but if only you realized what Marc Jacobs has done...he has romanticized a ground-creeping weed by creating a crisp, softly sueded fragrance with rich, woody undertones. I also understand Mr. Jacobs has taken to covering the exterior walls of his flagship store in this weed. The weed in question: ivy, the fragrance: Ivy Splash. Now you may be asking why I so vehemently slander this weed...well, it's because I've just spent the last 4 hours pulling that shit out of a corner of my front lawn. My hands are now stained with the tannin from my leather garden gloves and despite the protection my gloves provide, I still ended up with black dirt under my fingernails. Chances are the roots of this hardy foliage will produce more vines, but hear me now ivy or hear me later, I'm coming after you with all I got. And that's a lot, I now own the following garden accoutrements: one shovel, one trowel, one pair of gardening shears, one pair of hedge clippers and a bad attitude toward ground creeping weeds.

Mr. Jacobs if you're reading this, please know that I was only kidding. I don't really wish you banished to hell. If you could please send me the famous Marc leather tote in "sunset" I would be forever grateful. Also, I'm nearly out of your perfume. It is almost Christmas and I've been very good this year! By the way, if you see Jared Leto at your next fashion show, please let him know that I'm so over him. I've moved on from the guyliner look, since The Future Mrs. Darcy declared it to be passe and has labeled him a tool. My new celeb crushes are Jaime Dornan & Mathew MacFayden. Sorry, Jared! Take solice that you're in a band so you won't be single for long.

Hugs & Kisses,

Hello dahlings!

I will present my ideas in reverse chronological order.

Yesterday night I went to Cirque Du Soleil Corteo downtown with Mr. Darcy's company to entertain their clients. Last night was our night and the owner and his ex-wife/current roommate/baby momma will be going tomorrow. This only cemented the idea in my mind that despite my non-southern roots I will make a kick ass senator's wife if I'm ever needed to. Now, some of you will say, Future Mrs. Darcy, we live in a world where we have a female speaker of the house and have even had short lived tv series depicting women presidents- why do you just be senator? Now, person, that is a good question and I do enjoy lying out of both sides of my mouth and drinking heavily I feel my glib comments about hitting people with tire irons will be misconstrued by the media. Stupid media!

But I can totally be the crazy "forward" of a senator and make bold statements about gay marriage and women's rights and smile pretty without damaging Mr. Darcy's campaign. I can just see it now The Future Mrs. Senator Heinz-Kerry-Darcy.

UGH all I want is ketchup now. I should have had one of those somehow acceptable giant morning tater tots [hash browns- whatever!].

But Corteo-- AMAZING! I'm hereby requiring everyone to see a Cirque Du Soleil. This one was - I think - under the premise of a man attending his own funeral in a dreamlike state. It was crazy. It was like being in the coolest dream you ever had. And I can't remember the last time 3 hours went by so quickly. So go go go!

Also many of you may have heard my insanity tuesday with my boss about me not going back to work after the seminar in rockville... Quickly for the rest I live in place A which is an hour-ish away from where I work. I went to a seminar 10 minutes or so in the opposite direction from work until 12:30 (more like 1 when we got done with lunch) on Tuesday. When I asked if I could take personal day time to not go an hour back down to work, work for 2 hours then take an hour trip back my boss acted like I was asking for her to be a surrogate mother for triplets.

ANYWAY so I ended up taking the time off but sleeping most of the day. BUT what I DON'T THINK I MENTIONED WAS that night Mr. Darcy and I went to the movies [on a school night- I know- we crazy!] and saw The Departed. I like cop movies and movies with gun violence and Matt Damon and Jack Nicholson and laughing at Boston accents so needless to say I enjoyed it. Nothing groundbreaking but it was good fun. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY it gave me a new song to stomp around to.

You should all know that when Scarlett was here, she and Clem endorsed "Ring the Alarm" by Beyonce which I had seen in a MTV VMA clip awhile back and liked but was unsure about shelling out the 99 cents and giving it a spot on my ipod. Their guidance was justified and it is a great song. It makes me want to put on heels and runway walk like an angry Jay Alexander. It also apparently makes Scarlett clench her fists and yell at Rhett/Dwight to make her coffee. Now my new song is less diva-ish and more let's drink guinness and hit people over the head with barstools. This song [now featured on my myspace pages] is none other than the Dropkick Murphy's "I'm shipping up to Boston". Go ahead... Go listen. I'll wait.....



It's great isn't it. I hear it's different than most of their stuff but have not put the time or effort into finding out. Perhaps I shall today. But nonetheless I feel I'm starting to get boring so I will free you from your blog reading.

Senator Heinz-Kerry

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Cox Communications sucks! I hate the bastards and wish they would get their shit straight. Last week my DVR box broke and I lost everything I had recorded on it. Not only did it break, but I had to wait several days before someone could come and fix it. Luckily Scarlett was in town so I was out the two nights it wasn’t working anyway. Also, thankfully they fixed it before my Thursday night shows on NBC and ABC (I’ve recently begun watching Grey’s Anatomy). So after getting a new box last week, which of course broke 15 minutes after the technician left and required me to call Cox and complain, things were fine until tonight. Out of nowhere the box just turned off. I swear I live in a part of town that the cable and electric companies don’t care about b/c my power will often just turn off if the slightest wind blows the wrong way – or a squirrel crosses the road. But, I digress. The box came back to life but then right as my shows started, the dumb thing refused to record. After getting pissed and cursing at the remote control (b/c that makes me feel better) I called Cox and they were able to fix it. All is well now but I am just waiting for it to die on me again. Stupid bastards!

In other news, curious George has learned how to get out on the balcony. He likes to go in between the sliding glass door and the screen door for some reason. Apparently this happened again after I left for work this morning but this time he learned how to pop the screen out and get out to the balcony. It wasn’t long before ME noticed and went out and got him. This wouldn’t typically be a huge deal but we live on the third floor, and it’s really a four story drop, and I can just imagine George looking over the edge and then somersaulting to his death. Really too much for me to handle. So we are forced to keep the sliding glass door closed b/c the cat is not to be trusted. Aren’t you glad I chose to share this with you? Do you now understand how boring my life is? It really was either this or me lamenting over being able to find a place for my rehearsal dinner and it’s too late at night (i.e. after 9:00 p.m.) for me to be talking about that without giving myself panic attacks and bad dreams. I figure take what you can get.

Hope ya’ll are having a good week.

Rain, Rain Go Away Come Again Another Day!

My plans for finishing my front yard work has been thwarted by rain clouds. Must postpone until tomorrow. What, oh what, shall I do today? I have watched all of my Netflix dvd's (I've been on an MI-5 kick lately - to play into my obsessive celeb crush on Mathew McFayden) I suppose I shall busy myself around the house until tonight when I join Mr. Belding's Baby Mama for Grey's Anatomy. I've decided to watch The OC when this season is released on dvd. Oh, how I miss DVR!

Until I have more interesting things to blog about...

Sorry for the double blog, it told me it didn't go through last night. Whoops. Naywho, just some things I have picked up on the road:

- never put the emergency brake on in a rental car unless you are 100% percent sure how to take it off

- if at all possible avoid getting the hotel room next to the group using theirs for registrations starting at 0530

- on the same early morning note, do check the alarm in the room even if you aren't going to use it, the person before you may have had it set for 3am on loud. (and it may seem a little neurotic to the front desk staff when you ask for a comment card suggesting that the maids disable all alarms as a part of their cleaning routine, but two mornings in a row waking up at 0600 to blaring country music in the empty room next door, just might change your mind)

- there is always someone running later than you (yes even you Clementine)

- just because the call it fresh fruit in the $12.oo breakfast buffet doesn't mean it is

- and my advice to all of you, there is something wonderful about learning to listen to your heart. I just finished reading The Alchemist, which I suggest to you. Being alone, being in the quiet and learning to filter through the constant stimuli that surrounds us is difficult, but mandatory if we want to grow as people. Each of us has our different ways that this inability manifests itself, and it is not my place to name yours nor yours to name mine, but the more we take the this quiet time to listen to our hearts, the stronger we will become

- ok that last one was probably a little deep for 0900, but you catch my drift?

The "picking" of one's nose may in fact constitute as potty humor, I will have to conduct further research to determine. In the meantime, let's avoid any reference to noses, nostrils and any discharge brought on by seasonal allergies just to be on the safe side!


Wednesday, November 15, 2006


There’s something to be said for blogging in an airport. I am not sure if it’s just the unusual amount of unusual people that pass by or just feeling rather swanky typing on a laptop that I had to access via fingerprint. Either way I am happy.

And you know when else I was happy. That was Friday around 1300. I really don’t remember the last time that I sat at a restaurant and had no where else to go. Partly my own fault for turning into a self admitted workaholic these past two months, partly because when david and I do go out, we are rushing home to watch my tv shows, or not actually eating, only binge drinking. (which is actually the case more often than not) At any rate, sitting in the sun, getting third degree burns on just my left arm was exactly what I needed.

People in general just crack me up. The lady who shrieked (and I mean like she had been stabbed) who got to move over to the window seat. Entertaining. The gentleman bathroom (possibly suffering from a case of irritable bowel syndrome) who thought it was appropriate to use the back of my seat as some sort of catapult device each time he had to go and each time waking me up from my wentworth dreams – Not so entertaining. All in all still loving the traveling – I mean I thought that picking your nose (that’s not potty humour scarlett) could only be done a few different ways, but people never cease to amaze me and my list continues to grow. To be blogged about later.

The mass confusion that seems to take over the general population at an airport is truly uncanny. And I have found myself like that on the rare occasion, but honestly, that isn’t nitrous oxide that they are pumping through the air vents, so why does the vast majority of the population have to get off the airplane as if they’ve just done an eightball in the plane’s lavatory? Drug testing of future flights bathroom surfaces – possible.

Being the member of 3 o'clock candy who has been married the longest, please allow my 2 cents on the topic of marriage, especially b/c The Future Mrs. Darcy and I spent a lot of time discussing this last week [by the way, TFMD, this will constitute as a rough draft for that chapter you're asking for]

Here goes:
1. It is a good idea to live with your intended for at least a year. This allows you to work out the kinks, like breaking the bad habits acquired during the college years when he would drink out of the same cup w/o washing it for 3 months.
2. It is not a good idea to use inflamatory language like the following:
  • Rhett, you're a stupid ass.
  • Rhett if you look at me like that one more time, I shall put a pillow over your face during the night.
  • Rhett, were you raised in a G-damn barn?
3. Try to use specific language not generalizations. Do say: When you call people in traffic "horse fuckers" it makes me feel annoyed. Please do not use the term "horse fuckers" Thank you honey. Don't say: I'm so sick of you always calling people "horse fuckers." [This is wrong b/c it attacks the person, not the infraction]

4. Try, when at all possible, not to share computers especially if your husband is a gaming junkie and gets ants in his pants when you sit down in his desk chair.

Clementine, tell your friend to follow this advice and she is sure to have a happy,
peaceful marriage! And best wishes to Margeaux & ME and The Future Mr. & Mrs. Darcy in their upcoming nuptuals!


Yeah - sorry the chart isn't going up.
If you want to see if I can email it to you. This is to protect the innocent.

I'm afraid this isn't going to be too witty. I am about to fall asleep and I have a scratchy throat.

So to fix both problems, I thought I'd go get a nice cold Diet Coke before blogging.
Only Diet Pepsi. I'm desperate, I put my dollar in, make sure I key in the the accurate letter and number, A-3. This is where the stupid drink is supposed to fall. It got stuck. I try beating the machine to no avail. I get another dollar, but decide 1. $2 is way too much to spend on something I don't really like in the first place and 2. it's a machine, so I will beat it some more.
Woohoo. Human wins :-)

Ok now that I have my Diet Coke, back to the blog...

So with the committee's help, I went ahead and rsvp-ed for NYE in the OBX. I just did it yesterday, so there hasn't been much time for Cam to find out or for us to talk about it.

Um, what else.
Saturday I pretty much spent listening to my friend who just got married (6 months ago) tell me about her husband and their issues. The were throwing the word 'divorce' around. Long story. But I think everything is ok, at least for now.

From this I have realized several things:
-Living together before actually getting married, may not be such a bad idea
-You should probably discuss your roles/contributions before saying " I do". (Does he want you to get a job or Is he okay supporting you?)
-Prenups just sounds like trouble
-Drinking and fighting probably isn't a good idea

But some say the 1st yr of marriage is the hardest, so I hope that is the case for these two!

That's all I've got for today.

Word out.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Mock me all you want my friends but I have been busy mourning the demise of one of the most timeless love affairs of our generation – Britney and K-Fed. I’ve been watching old episodes of Chaotic trying to figure out where those two crazy lovebirds went wrong. I've been having nightmares just thinking about who will get the kids and how long after the divorce is final we'll actually continue to hear about K-Fed. I’ve also been very busy with wedding preparations. You do know that TomKat is getting married this weekend right? So much that must be done – from reading about Tom arriving in Rome to reports of Katie passing out after taking dieting advice from Posh Spice. Ah, to be rich, young, pretty and dumb as an f-ing rock!

In real news, I am in so much pain. I leave for Mexico in 2 ½ weeks and in preparation for the sun and beautiful weather, I am going tanning. I’m sure you are shocked but this milky white, some might say ghostly pale, complexion does not tan easily and often turns 3 shades of red before turning into a tan. So, last night was my first time tanning, even though I have been telling myself for weeks that I needed to go. I thought 8 minutes would be ok. Not the maximum length of 15 minutes and not too short to be a total waste of time. Looking back on it, perhaps 5 minutes would have been fine. I now have a back, chest/stomach and outline from bikini bottoms that is as red as a stop sign. You have to understand – I haven’t worn a swimsuit in public for 3 years so my chest/stomach, back and butt area are as pale as a ghost – correction – were as pale as a ghost. I am hopeful that the redness will go down by Thursday so perhaps I can go tanning again. I realize that the logical thing to do would be to avoid the tanning bed, the sunburn and perhaps a bout of skin cancer, but if I don’t suffer now, I will surely pay the price once I get to Mexico. This makes perfect sense to me. However, I am also trying to convince myself that bras are optional and need not be worn to work since it is rather uncomfortable on my poor back and chest to wear one. Unfortunately, I think I’m S.O.L. and will have to just suck it up for the next few days.

Lastly, Clem, where is the flow chart? I emailed you back my comments and expect to see the chart materialize on this blog before the week is out. I realize I’ve been banned from your love life committee for giving advice not approved by the Chair of your committee but I think I speak for all of us when I say we are eager to see the chart so we can keep up with who the hell is who in your network of friends.

I hope that this entry will prevent me from further mocking for failure to post in a while. I’m sure that the impending arrival of my mother this weekend – for good I might add as she is moving here – and the joy of Thanksgiving with my family will lend itself to some mighty colorful postings in the coming days. Stay tuned – Christmas in ND is bound to provide even more colorful postings. You never know what those crazy folks will say or do!

(for the record – I did NOT actually watch any episodes of Chaotic)

My week of being a lady of lesiure came to an abrupt end on Sunday night. Back to the daily grind of Fall yard work and cleaning a house left neglected in my absence.

Recap of DC trip:
Rolled in to town on Sunday, fearful that I had caught the mumps and aware that I would have spread it to everyone on the plane. But alas, the swelling of my parotid glands subsided so apparantly did NOT have the mumps. Phew, good for me!

Monday - Lunch w/ The Future Mrs. Darcy. Spent afternoon trying to read a novel from a Booker Finalist, but found it incredibly boring and atmospheric, so instead listened to my iPod at Starbucks while having the first Peppermint Mocha of the season! God I love those.

Monday night - Dinner w/ some friends where I didn't drink b/c they didn't drink, but I really really really wanted to drink....

Tuesday - After lunch w/ my former boss and confidant, went shopping at Tyson's. Trying to think of X-mas gifts for Rhett, I soon gave up, and took to looking at over priced furniture constructed of nothing more than MDF, but would look great in my house.

Tuesday night - saw Borat. Thought it was hilarious. Rubbed it in Rhett's face that I saw it and he'd have to wait for Netflix. However, since this, our conservative small town has released it so Rhett went last night. Since my s-i-l was lending me her apartment while she was away on business, I took advantage of her dvd collection, the highlights of which are Pride and Prejudice (both versions!) Upon returning from Borat I watched the Mathew McFayden / Kiera Knightley version. OMG! Beside Jaime Dornan, Mathew McFayden is my other celeb crush.

Wednesday - After lunch w/ the Future Mrs. Darcy spent the better half of the day at the National Gallery. Saw a really inspiring photography exhibit taken of New York City in the 30's and 40's. Enjoyed being able to go to the museum alone, for when Rhett accompanies me, 30 minutes into our trip his feet hurt or he's hungry or his back hurts or he wants some coffee.

Wednesday night - Dollar drafts at Rock Bottom in Ballston with Margeaux, The Future Mrs. Darcy & Clementine. We took official portraits of Clem's Love Life Committee members. We mocked Margeaux for not being a more active participant of this here blog. After drinks, went to see Clem's new apt and meet her cats. Both are very cute. Watched 2 hrs. of the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice before calling it a night.

Thursday - chilled out while watching the conclusion of Pride and Prejudice. Had lunch at 5 Guys in Old Town.

Thursday night - Tapas with some friends. Good sangria! Though I must say, still prefer Jaleo in DC for tapas.

Friday - had a long long 3 margarita / cerveza lunch with Mr. & Mrs. Popadop & s-i-l. Now, since The Future Mrs. Darcy warned me that I was hanging w/ the big dogs of drinking and it was still only 4 in the afternoon, I decided to stick to water when we left CalTort for 4 Courts.

Friday night - Continued the drinkfest of 2K6 at Porter's w/ TFMD, Mr. Darcy, Mr. & Mrs. Popodap, Clementine & Petra. We left Porters for The Angry Inch and came upon a wicked game of interactive computer soccer in the middle of Adam's Morgan. After a few back kicks we found ourselves at our destination. Thanks to Clem's friendly relationship w/ the bartender, the Miller Lights were plentiful. Mr. Popodap nearly danced himself into a heat stroke while wearing a cashmere sweater in a room packed w/ hot bodies. BTW, if the dj is reading this, would it have killed you to play Beat It or The Humpty Dance?

Saturday 3:30 a.m. - Passed out in Mr. & Mrs. Popodap's spare bedroom!

Saturday 8 a.m. - Woke up and did the walk of shame back to Alexandria which consisted of too many train transfers for someone with smeared mascara.

Saturday - saw Running w/ Scissors - I liked it and think Annette Benning should be nominated for an Academy Award.

Saturday night - Made the promise that I wouldn't drink the night before travel. An hour and most of the bottle of a really good Shiraz later and I kissed that promise goodbye. We had a great time listening to some famous Drum & Bass dj, whom I know not. Got some viva la french toast at IHOP while making friends with some random Canuk. Did the drunk dial to Rhett, who fortunately for him was on Central Standard Time, so it was only 1:30 a.m. for him. Again, passed out on Mr. & Mrs. Popodap's spare bed, which is very comfy.

Sunday a.m. - Once again found myself leaving Mr. & Mrs. Popodap's apt wearing the same clothes as the night before. I made it back to Alexandria before realizing my cell phone was on their counter. Drove back to grab phone before heading to the airport.

Enjoyed myself immensely!

Monday, November 13, 2006

Made it home safely! Will blog later about my trip for all of the loyal readers of 3 o'clock candy who weren't in DC...right now I'm busy bringing out the pretty in all 209 photos taken, big job!


Saturday, November 11, 2006


Had a jumpin good time at Porters and Angry Inch last night with Mrs. & Mr. Popodop (remember them?) [i kid], Scarlett, Clem and Petra [is it petra- still seems like a strange name]. I feel like I'm a jawbreaker made of tasty layers of miller light, stale smoke and dried sweat but we'll be taking care of that little nuisance real soon.

I thought I'd fill everyone in my night though where I left you... in front of Angry Inch arguing that I didn't need a chaperone and would have felt guilty had I taken everyone out of their way to do so.

SO upon leaving the crowd I instantly realized that (as I had eluded to in my "don't make me act like a petulant college freshman and run away" statement) I probably hadn't been unsupervised in such a fashion since college. This prompted the soundtrack in my head to start playing "When I was a boy" by Dar Williams which was a correct sentiment but poor tempo [try again BRAIN!].

Secondly, like any sensible woman I began to prepare for my upcoming mugging. I figured I had a $10 bill and a $20 bill so the 20 went in the bra and the 10 stayed in the purse as the hit I was willing to take. I hate waiting in the DMV lines so in went license to the bra as well, and the smarttrip card was probably the most valuable thing on my but i need that soon so into the back pocket with you, oh wait RING- let's just turn that puppy around. So all in all that left the credit card (which I could cancel immediately), the 10 and the cell in the purse. Oh and i need the keys so into the pocket with them... hmmm. And sure enough when all my crap was settled- sketchy people appeared.

Thankfully I kind of jogged up to straggle behind a group of girls leaving that bar where the kickball people always go so the sketchiness came across one of the girls first and she managed to eh- sort of dodge them but she had other friends around including a boy who was had defintely picked up the pace when sketchiness approached to get to her. So since she was more the target of the would be groping her sidestepping on the whole event was enough distraction that I could walk around the whole lot of them.

But they were going to their car so no use to me so I ran up the street and became the sketchiness myself when I stop next to some random guy and say "Are you going to the metro? Can I walk with you?" to which he gave me the "sure weird girl look" and we walked together. In the process, I might add, I won two bets (West Point IS in new york state and the trains were not there in less than 7 minutes). The best point of that whole situation is when we got to the station and realized that was 10 minutes until my train and 13 until his train he held out his hand and I shook it and said "thank you for not letting me get raped or mugged" and we waited separately for our trains and weren't forced to make more awkward small talk.

So I sit on the floor reevaluating my stash of various cards and money on my person while stretching out my hip flexors in yoga Cow Face Pose. License check; 20 check; smarttrip check; purse check; keys in pocket-- HOLY FUCKING SHIT I WAS CARRYING THE KEYS FOR MR. DARCY, GROOMSMAN #2, AND I AND I ORIGINALLY SAID I'D TRY AND GET HOME A LITTLE AFTER MIDNIGHT AND IT'S 3 O'CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING!!!!

And there's a little envelope on my phone which has been sitting on the ledge all night away from where I can feel it's wee vibrating. Not very familiar with this phone yet so trying to find where the message is coming from - it's not a voicemail - finally find the text area - it's another text from washington post from Popodop the post apparently sent twice. I send a text to mr. darcy saying "please tell me you go in..." and i get an instant reply back saying his phone number doesn't accept media like this.... so all i could do is wait. If worse came to worse they could have come to the bar to get the keys and hopefully found us in our corner upstairs or have gone to the townie bar down the street from our house and wasted time there but that place closes at 2... shit shit shit.

Ok nothing to do but wait for the train which thankfully showed right about then. Yada yada yada train ride home. Get home and vigilently walk home through our ridiculously safe neighborhood... which just had an armed robbery at night with a m-fing SHOTGUN a couple of nights ago. SO vigilently walking... while trying to text Popodop so when i got home she'd know i got in safe so... completely distracted text messaging for a second/very vigilent looking around.

Indeed made it through the little trail in the woods and realize it's probably even late for armed robbers to be out and no one is sitting outside my door- boys are inside sleeping sound. Phew!

This morning Mr. Darcy and I are chatting as I'm thrashing about in bed trying to get comfortable and he's getting ready to shoot his friends with paintballs and he comes over and leans down and stares at me and is like "you haven't realized yet have you?" which immediately brings me back to the matter at hand of keys and thankfully/not thankfully they realized it as they had made it back to the apartment- walked around to the back, Groomsman #2 gave Mr. Darcy a leg up and he jumped onto the balcony where he then saw I was a good little girl and put the bar in the track of the door BUT he left the window cracked so he popped that out and in he went in a short couple of minutes. So good news is he got in... bad news someone with Mr. Darcy's skill of B&E (which is compiled from Law and Order episodes and various video games) could get in in like 2 minutes.

So that is that. I am going to wash off the filth and maybe make myself a tastey breakfast burrito (which for the records contains the same damn thing as my non time stamped burritos) and then go shopping in friendship heights. If anyone is doing anything let me know!

Friday, November 10, 2006

SO having one full time job and up to 3 other sets people who think soley to do work for them full time as well my positions as Head Scientist and Chair of Clem's Love Life Committee leave me little time for anything interesting to happen.

Or, conversely, when I'm pouting/boycotting/sitting-around-slovenly to honor our Veterans on this sunnny 70 degree day that I do not get off nothing interesting happens as well so I will take this time to tell you about other things that I've been storing up for just such an occasion.

1) Before I forget this I think we should have Mr. Belding's Baby Momma take a variety of quizzes (pirate name, porn star name, wu-tang clan name etc...) To aid us in her nom de pluming

2) Crazy hacking lady at work. So when I first started I overheard peeps in my department talking about this woman's coughing and how they had talked to her boss and were going to HR to basically have this woman taken out to pasture and shot. (We have a small pasture out front of our building in case such a locale should be needed and also to play bocce and flag football on during lunch). Sooo I was like "I never hear crazy hacking lady" and the looked at me shocked. And so it goes with all things that eventually drive you insane you are told about it then notice it every damn time it happens. So apparently crazy hacking lady's story is that she isn't sick and gets annoyed when ask her if she's ok but is "allergic" to something in the office that makes her about 4-8 times a day go through this process:
step 1: light although flemmy coughing is heard for about 4 coughs
step 2: pause
step 3: coughing because flemmier and louder until it crescendos into a dead rattle and I get nauseous and put on my headphones
step 4: time passes
step 5: a SONG AND A HALF LATER I see the old crone walk by my desk to get some water-- hey CRONE! Thanks for waiting about 4 minutes before excusing ourselves! We all love the vomit taste in the back of our mouths
step 6: time passes
step 7: while walking back the coughing begins again

Woo-hoo that brought me to 3:30 quittin time no matter how long these crazy folk want to stay!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

What better to do on a rainy Wednesday than blog....

I have about 2 hours of real work to do, but it's only 12...so I need to procrastinate a little bit.

So here is the latest situation.

New Year's Eve.

I went to the OBX last year, and about 3 weeks ago, I got the email saying- "ok time to start planning for NYE, who's in for the OBX?"

I was thinking about it. I mean it's super chill- about 30 people at the beach for a few days just hanging out, drinking, and eating. I went last year and had a good time. Seriously, what could be better than having always have meals cooked for you and kegs calling your name over 3 or 4 days.

So anyway, I find out that Cam is going this year. Definitely. He was a "yes" on the list.

After talking to a friend, she made a good point. This is "my" thing, I went last year after all.

Here is why I am a little apprehensive about going:
-It's over a month away; who knows where things are going with Cam.
Side note here though- Yesterday was probably the first day in over a week that we didn't talk everyday. We have plans to hang out tomorrow, so I was just thinking I'd email him tomorrow to confirm times. Well while blogging, I just got an email from him saying "Just wanted to say hello. Hope your day is going well". So nice. :-)

-I don't want to look like a stalker

-Do I mention I am going, or thinking of going?

-The group is smaller this year, but Cam and friends are going, which means it may be weird.

So kids....what do you think?

We can discuss further over some tasty beers at RB tonight :-)

Word Out.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

It is settled - we shall see Borat on the ceremonious return of Scarlett to DC since I wanted to see it yesterday but was trumped by Mr. Darcy's friend's birthday celebrations in Fells Point. [sweet- Wedding Singer is on VH1]

Ummm what else?

Bleh- nothing! Damn you brain- now I have to do work.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Stupid conservative small town!!! The movie Borat was advertised as coming soon, but at the last moment it was pulled from the theater. So we rearranged our plans. We bar hopped for happy hour then Rhett and I went to the independent movie theater and saw an interesting documentary called This Film Has Not Yet Been Rated. If you guys have an opportunity to catch this you should. It's a very revealing depiction of the self-policing MPAA, the board that rates movies. It shows that basically they have an agenda to censor things like homosexuality and anything which they deem perverse, like a woman's orgasm.

Anywho, I'll be spending the day getting ready for my trip to DC. Like a good wife, I have left Rhett a tray of lasagna and a pot of chilli so hopefully he won't eat fast food all week. I'm debating the merits of cleaning the house today, knowing that it won't be clean when I return so what is the point? If you asked Rhett "which Friend character is Scarlett" he'd tell you I'm like Monica on friends; domesticity has only increased these anal retentive tendencies. Oh screw it, I got my Jem and the Holograms dvd from Netflix so my time would be better spent gettin' truly outrageous! Tonight I have planned to watch the VH1 made for tv movie satarizing the 80's, Totally Awesome! This movie was tailor made for me...

Frankie Says Relax,

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Decision 2K6

You may think with a title like this that I'd discuss the upcoming elections, but alas you would be wrong. The decision weighing so heavily on mind today is do I watch The OC Season Premiere or Grey's Anatomy, which promises a very scantly clad McDreamy?

After much deliberating and vacillating, The OC wins! I have to give The OC a chance to right the wrong where so many teen dramas failed before with weak post-high school storylines. Remember Saved by the Bell: The College Years? Of course not! You surely have blocked this contrived crap out of your cerebral cortex. If The OC comes back from summer hiatus having jumped the shark, I'll be back to Grey's by next week. Otherwise, I'll be hoping for unsynchronized commerical breaks.

R.I.P. Marissa


Wednesday, November 01, 2006

To all the trick-or-treaters who knocked on my door last night, I apologize. I was home, hiding from you and avoiding opening the door. I would hear you coming, courtesy of either the dog barking on the first floor indicating that you had just pounded on his door or from you pounding on my neighbors doors yelling “trick-or-treat.” I would hear you coming and quickly turn the TV down so you would not know there was actually somebody inside watching “Whose Wedding Is It Anyway” and scream at me until I conceded and opened the door – shamefaced. I apologize because I had no candy to give. You see, it’s my first time in this neighborhood and I did not know if you would come. The fact that there is an elementary school down the street should have been a clue but alas, it wasn’t. I did not want to have bags of candy sitting around my house if you did not come so I was not prepared. Yes, I know, I could have brought the uneaten candy to work but to be honest, I just didn’t feel like it. However, once it became obvious that I was not prepared, I was going to drive to the store to buy candy for you. However, as I was about to leave to get in my car I realized I did not actually have my car and that MCE did and I was not going to be able to purchase the needed candy. At this time I began to search frantically through my kitchen for items I could pass off as appropriate treats. My options were: 6 bottles of beer (maybe not appropriate but darn tasty – one was even pumpkin flavored), 3 apples, 9 granola bars (assorted flavors), 5 special k bars and 10 individually wrapped weight watchers cakes (each worth 1 point). I felt that this was a poor showing and that certain items perhaps would not in fact be deemed appropriate by the parental figures escorting you. Please accept my deepest apologies and know that I will make it up to you next year – perhaps even giving each child who knocks on my door 3 pieces of candy.

Your cowardly neighbor,

Phew in my rage against the middle schooler I almost forgot to
wish The Future Mrs. Darcy a Happy Birthday!!!


A word to trick or treaters!

I enjoyed handing out candy to the many fairies, lions, witches, ninjas, wizards, cheerleaders, princesses, skeletons, punk rockers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turles, Power Rangers, Elmo, Tiggers, ghosts, cowboys and ladybugs, however be warned, next year if you do not wear a costume instead of candy you will receive travel-sized toothpaste with a note attached explaining that candy is for costumes only, no exceptions! Now, not wanting to clean egg out brick I will do a slight of hand trick, slipping the toothpaste in the bag without the child seeing it until they dump all their candy on the floor in one pile of orgasmic sugar-high candy goodness. They will wonder who gave them the peppermint paste, who would not even splurge for the more pleasant mint gel. I hope they will read the note and learn a valuable life lesson: It's not cool to cut corners!

If I may speak directly to the middle schooler who approached my door lacking both costume and manners, who couldn't be bothered to interrupt his cell phone conversation to say the obligatory greeting "Trick or Treat" you deserved none of my gummy lifesavers, smarties, dum dums, kit kats, swedish fish or nerds. I won't say anything mean to you, for Rhett already thinks I'm a terrible person for saying that I hate Dakota Fanning. She is fooling everyone into thinking that she is a child, but in fact she is a devil spawn and soon the world will know her for what she truely is. Do not trust any child that annoyingly precocious. But I digress non-descript tween-age boy, I'm sure this is just the "big fish in the small middle school pond" syndrome. Next year, high school will knock you down a few pegs....enjoy the awkardness of riding the bus, while all the cool upper-classmen drive. Enjoy carrying 20lbs of books all day around crowded halls because you forgot your locker combination. Enjoy spending school dances leaning against the wall of the gym with other boys covered in acne watching all the pretty girls mock you with their inattention...Wow, that was cathartic.